Earthday Burritos

Burritos are the most environmentally friendly food in the world, this is a fact. Much like religion, there is no scientific proof of this, so you will just have to believe me. In fact, there is evidence pointing otherwise, but I tell you, this is all heresy. March on soldier, march on!

In order to not seem totally devoid of any logic or common sense, though, I will take on some of the main criticisms of the environmental soundness of the burrito:

Concern: Anything that uses meat or other items on the top of the food pyramid does not represent an efficient use of land.

Response: Did the researchers take the time to notice that if you remove the top of the food pyramid, you would not have a pyramid at all? Rather, you would have a flat top structure that looks much more like a food trapezoid from the side (elevation) view. Mr. Scientist, I believe that your grant was to study the food PYRAMID, not the food TRAPEZOID. There, that’s what I thought! Boom, smack, pow, you’ve been served. Any response….I didn’t think so.

Concern: Unless the veggies are organic, the growth agents and pesticides used to cultivate crops are not environmentally sound.

Response: Did anyone take the time to consider the rights of pesticides and growth agents? They have feelings too. I think it is a little short sighted that these aren’t given any consideration. How about a more balanced approach to your views…com’on!

Concern: Wax paper and foils used to wrap burritos are not biodegradable or reusable.

Response: OK, this one is valid. I would like to tweak my stance a little and offer this – burritos eaten in said burrito place placed on a reusable plate and eaten with your hands are the most environmentally friendly food. This value goes up in spades when said burrito place is poorly lit and does not use traditionally acceptable levels of cooling or heating. Some people may call these places ghetto, but I call them green, just like tasty salsa verde.

Do the earth a favor, have a burrito today!

Burritos & Reefer

April 20th (4/20) is the pot smokers national holiday. I won’t post why, but if you really want to know the reasons for this, I recommend asking one of your stoner friends. Then, after getting a rambling and drawn out half coherent response, you can google it (or yahoo it*) and find out the real reason.

Personally, I pass on grass. This is a steadfast rule. Fortunately, there are probably enough exceptions to the rule to prove this rule 100% true, most of the time. While I am not a smoker, it is undeniable to realize the link between reefer and burritos.

For all of you stoners who read this site**, I have put together some suggestions that you may want to take to integrate burritos with your big day:

10.Roll a joint that looks alike a burrito
9. Use your steamroller as a burrito holder
8. Use your burrito as a steamroller
7. Bake yourself a space burrito
6. Bake a space burrito for your friend or spouse and don’t tell them until after they eat it
5. Bake your boss a space burrito and earn and afternoon (or longer) off work
4. Instead of smoking that medical grade dank, try smoking some Mexican swag (OK not recommended)
3. After toking, write some love songs about burritos
2. Figure out a way to use a burrito as a gravity bong (advanced)
1. Purchase your product in a neighborhood full of burrito joints

OR Continue to get high (as you normally do) and get a burrito when you get the munchies (as you normally do).

You can thank me for these wonderful recommendations with the payment of a juicy and tasty burrito!

* That one was for you Morzer
** I am assuming that about 95% are stoners. I mean why else would you read a website devoted to burritos!

Get Ready...Only 25 Days and Counting...

It has been a different type of winter in the Upper Midwest this year. February has felt like April, March like June, and St. Patrick’s Day felt like the Fourth of July. With Ivy on the wall at Wrigley for the opener today, it appears that it is Mother Nature’s appointed duty to completely confuse us as to where we live and what time of year it is. I (out of all people) am here to give you a dose of reality: We’re in Chicago, It is April 5, and Burrito Appreciation Month is Only 25 Days Away!!!

This is your wake up call MF’ers…it is time to get ready!!! The season of burrito hard knocks is only a little over three weeks away! It is time to get in shape, get ready, and starting munching on burritos. I don’t want anyone to get caught by surprise; injured by the whiplash of being unexpectedly nailed by Burrito Appreciation Month. Getting ready for burrito appreciation month will mean different things to different people. For the healthy eater, this means re-introducing the steak burrito into your diet. For the diabetics, it means getting extra insulin injections. For the vain (you know who you are), it means getting those hot bikini and bathing suit profile pictures done now, because come June 1st, there will be nothing left of you but a bloated burrito mess! For those who eat burritos year round, carry on comrades, carry on!

Don’t let me catch you without a burrito in your mouth!

The Royal and The Presidential

I think that adding additional time to Burrito Appreciation Month, per the rules of soccer, may have been one of my most genius moves ever. If there is anything that Americans can learn from the dreadful sport of soccer, let it be this. With my additional time I did well and went to El Presidente (2558 N. Ashland, West Lakeview) and El Nuevo Leon (1515 W. 18th Street, Pilsen).

As a warm-up before the Melvins show at the Double door last week, had dinner at El Presidente. Unless you are fluent in Spanish, you may not know this, but El Presidente is actually Spanish for ‘the president’. Upon further review, I am not so sure what was so presidential about this place. I did not see Obama there, though admittedly he is a south-sider and a very busy man these days. The former US presidents, still living, were not there either. No George W, but based on the fact that he is a f*ckin’ idiot, I am also assuming that he is anti-burrito. I did not see my political hero Bill Clinton either. Slick Willy enjoys himself a good burrito, but may not have been informed that burritos are not bad for you, even if you’ve had extensive by-pass work done. Jimmy Carter, well he better start explaining himself. Nobel Peace Prize Winners are supposed to be pro-burrito. Sadly too, none of the living Mexican premiers past (Echeverría , de la Madrid , Salinas , Zedillo , Fox) or present (Calderón ) were there, but I am guessing that after reading my blog, they will flock to El Presidente so that the restaurant can live up to its name.

At El Presidente, I had a Carne Asada Burrito. They do their burritos in a manner that I call plate style. You are provided a thin tortilla that wraps meat, and then all of the toppings are on the plate. It appeared to me that Carne Asada was their featured meat (since they charged $.50 more for it) so I got a thinly wrapped Carne Asada Burrito with a plate that included rice, beans, guac, sour cream, lettuce tomatoes, and onion. Bite by bite, I would eat my burrito, placing the toppings on a fork to spread on the end of the burrito I was about to eat. I think this plate was delicious and really enjoyed the experience. Furthermore, El Presidente is open 24-7-365, so when Calderon or his predecessors arrive, they can rest assured that it will be open and a burrito will be ready for them.

After running a half marathon in sweltering heat last weekend, I went to El Nuevo Leon for a late lunch. I do realize in many instances that eating a burrito after running a race may represent an in-balance of the inner Yin and Yang that would equate to all out internal warfare, but this is not the case if the burrito comes from El Nuevo Leon, because it’s that good. Those with a basic understanding of Spanglish would know that El Nuevo Leon is Spanish for ‘the new lion’, and since the lion is the king of the jungle, this is literally the new king. I sincerely hope the regicidal acts are against the law in Chicago, because this ‘new king’ needs to live to see a ripe old age.

I feel bad even rating this place with burrito joints that are on this web site. El Nuevo Leon is clearly in a class of its own. Upon arriving, you are greeted with a delicious little appetizer, gratis. This time, it was a plate with a tortilla and some grilled meat and beans to make you own little taco. In the past it has been a soup with a chicken wing or some other creative little starter. Along with the starter, you are provided a basket of chips, two salsas, and a collection of peppers. It gets even better when the entre comes. A third (warmed salsa) comes to the table to accompany your meal. The burrito was out of this world. The choices are limited to chicken or Steak, so I went with steak. This stake burrito had chihuahua cheese, guac, lettuce tomatoes,refried beans, and sour cream. This was probably the best thing I have ever tasted. How much would you expect to pay for all of this? $100…wrong…$25….wrong…$10….wrong! Six dollars! Only six dollars!

With this I bid you adieu in 2011, and can’t wait to be back in 2012. See you all soon! Bueno ano tenemos!

PS – the essay contest was not a joke. Please submit essays to theivesiest@yahoo.com. Winner gets a burrito lunch on me, and maybe the Burritophile will even make an appearance!

Until Next Time…

Burrito Appreciation Month Extended - *#! Essay Contest -!#!

I am not a soccer fan, but I do realize that in the sport that they have something at the end of the game called “Additional Time”. Additional time in soccer is stoppage time that delayed the game. This time is added on to the 90 minute regulation time. After the 90 minutes regulation the referee decides how much time to add. I like this concept and believe that it should apply to Burrito Appreciation Month. By my calculations, there were five days where due to travel and locale, I was delayed from or not able to get a burrito. With this said, BURRITO APPRECIATION MONTH IS BEING EXTENDED UNTIL JUNE 5, 2011!

Since we have this extra time, I would like to extend a contest to all of our readers. Burrito Appreciation Month is sponsoring an essay contest titled “Burrito Appreciation Month and what it means to me”. Simply put together an essay with your thoughts and feelings towards Burrito Appreciation Month, and email it to theivesiest@yahoo.com. I will personally judge the essays, and the winner will get a free burrito lunch or dinner with me. Sharpen your pencils and get writing!

Cermitas Puebla – 3619 W. North Avenue (Humboldt Park).

I have found that some of the worst words in the English Language start with the letter “C”. Cancer, Chlamydia, and Cardiac Arrest all start with the letter “c”, as does the c-word itself. I would like to add one more word to that list “CLOSED”.

On this Memorial Day, I believe that this nation owes a great debt of gratitude to the members of our armed services, past and present. These brave souls have risked and many lost their lives to defend our country. They have spent months, and sometimes even years away from family and loved ones in order to keep this nation safe. I think it is wonderful that the country takes a day off to remember, but there are certain facilities and institutions that cannot close to remember our soldiers. Hospitals remain open Memorial Day, so do police and fire stations. I will like to add one more institution that should remain open, Mexican Restaurants. If I was a soldier who fought the war, I would most certainly want to be able to enjoy the most American of all Mexican foods on this fine holiday, the Burrito.

Cermitas Puebla, you may have been closed this time, but I will be coming back sometime when it is not a national holiday. Look forward to my post “When a Puebla becomes a casa” when I finally get there.

Until Next Time…

Artegas cocina - Milwaukee WI

I spent the past weekend standing up in a friend’s wedding in Milwaukee. Overall, this was probably one of the most positive wedding experiences I have ever witnessed; the party was great, the couple is awesome, and I felt honored to be able to participate in this wedding experience. The only detail that was overlooked was that I don’t think they realized that they were holding a wedding during the last weekend of Burrito Appreciation Month. A few years ago I did have friends hold a wedding during Burrito Appreciation Month; however, they held the wedding in Mexico. Although they didn’t write it on their invitations or mention it, they effectively were having a Burrito Destination Wedding (I mean why else would you go to Mexico to get married?).

Not wanting to anger the Burrito Gods, I immediately chose to get a burrito upon my arrival in Milwaukee. Actually, to say I choose may be too strong of a word. Being the burrito junkie that I am, I started to get a strong jones about an hour outside of Burrito Capitol USA (Chicago), and as I was itching and scratching, I asked my friend to drive faster so we could get a burrito. Sadly for me, there is no known medical cure for burrito addiction. I spend a lot of time chasing the dragon of that first time I loaded up on Burritos. At least heroin addicts have methadone, however, medical advances have not brought about a synthetic burrito, and lesser forms of the burrito, like the taquito or the gordita, will not squelch the jones.

Per a Facebook of recommendation from my friend’s mom, I went to Arteagas Cocina in Milwaukee at 1234. S. Cesar E. Chavez Drive (little did she know she was helping to feed the monkey). To start off, let’s talk about the neighborhood. This area of Milwaukee has a strong Chicano influence, and is about the closest thing that you will find to Mexico inside Wisconsin. Being born and raised in Milwaukee, I am appalled that I have never been in this area before. The street was lined with Mexican Restaurants and little shops and stores. It looked like a paradise I would like to spend more time exploring. Once inside the restaurant, the burrito menu was awesome. They have a Burrito Grandismo and a Burrito Gigante, as well as an option for 3 smaller burritos and a Vegetarian Burrito which they actually charge more for than a regular burrito (suck it non-meat eaters).

I decided to order the Burrito Grandismo with Al Pastor. It would be an understatement to say that this thing was awesome! I don’t think that words can describe how perfectly done the al pastor was. All of the other toppings (rice, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream), blended into what I would describe as an orgasm of taste. This burrito is top of my list in Milwaukee, and worth mentioning in the top burritos I have ever had. 9.5 Wow!

Until Next Time…