Cinco De Mayo AND the Kentucky Derby This Saturday !?!?!?

Holy sh*t yo!  The Sun has eclipsed the moon and the earth has blown into a million f*cking pieces…that’s right, Cinco De Mayo AND the Kentucky derby are on the same day this year, May 5, 2012.

The blending of events like this has not happened EVER since May 2007, and it won’t EVER happen again until May 2018.  It’s like Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day, and the Fourth of July all have been wrapped up into one huge holiday, and that huge holiday took a ton of steroids.  Then, that steroided up holiday took even more steroids until it was bigger than GOD!

In order to understand the magnitude of this day, there are a few things that you have to understand about me.  First of off, horse racing is my FAVORITE sport that has non-human participants*,**.  Secondly, Saturday is my favorite day of the weekend.  Finally, Cinco De Mayo is my FAVORITE of the May Mexican holidays…OK, right, now I think you are starting to get it.

With a day of this magnitude, I am beside myself.  I don’t know how to pay it its required homage.  Maybe I could eat burritos until I induce a peyote like trance.  Then, in this trance, I could perform a human sacrifice in my backyard to please the angry burrito gods.  Assuming this isn’t enough, I could quit my job and join a mariachi band that only plays Kentucky Derby gigs.  That way I could have 364*** days a year off of work that I could spend in a burrito induced stupor.  I know what you’re thinking though, it’s not enough, it’s never enough, but what could be?

I used to be able to consult the Burritophile on issues like this, but his off-season training has put him over the top.  Rumor has it he has eaten 987 burritos since Tuesday.  In all honesty, he has quit taking time to breathe and I am afraid to get within a 500 foot radius of his mouth.  Small tornados have been reported all around the city caused by the whirl of his burrito intake.

I leave my self humbly looking for advice from you, the followers of the burrito****.  What should I do with this most glorious of days?

* My sincere apologies cock fighting fans

** Jockeys, like horses, are not human either

*** 365 days in leap years like this one

**** If you give me helpful advice, you will be spared and I promise not to make you the victim of the human sacrifice this Saturday J.

May is Here!!!

May is here, as thus commences burrito appreciation month!

Instead of boring you by blogging about the details of the 8 burritos that I had before breakfast this morning, I figured that I would do something different and be forward looking..

Burrito Appreciation Month is supposed to be an interactive event, and as a result, I have a few suggestions to get you involved…nothing funny here, just some honest to god good thoughts:

1. Try the Chicago 24-hour Mexican Challenge (see link below).

http://www.saveur.com/article/Travels/24-Hours-of-Mexico-in-Chicago

2.  Start or join a burrito club.  Much like a running club, it’s a nice way to meet people and can keep you in great shape.

3. Enjoy films, literature, periodicals, magazine & newspaper features, and online articles about burritos.  Share the pieces and your thoughts in the comment section.

4. Eat a burrito

    Talk soon!

Taqueria El Asadero

Friends,
Today I visited Taqueria El Asadero which is located on Montrose and Lincoln in Chicago.  I discovered this restaurant while running from some unruly children at nearby Welles Park (I will have my revenge, Bobby Kaminsky!).  This burrito joint is small, but big on flavor.

This is the restaurant.

I ordered the carne asada burrito with everything. I'd been told that the steak here was "off the hook". I assume this means it hangs on hooks in the back and they take it down to cook it. In any case, they cook it to order. While you wait for your burrito, they give you the best tortilla chips ever. Greasy, yet crisp they are delicious. And the hot sauce they provide is the right blend of spice and flavor.  Since the meat is cooked to order, you get a piping hot burrito delivered to your table. Mine came with the aforementioned carne asada, cilantro, sour cream, cheese, and onions. And it is wonderful. I have heard good things about the guacamole too and will try that at some point in the future.

As I sat enjoying my burrito and bottle of Coke (why does it taste better in a bottle? And why are Mexican restaurants the only ones to catch onto this?) I overheard an interesting conversation at the table next to me. It was two older women one of whom was Asian and the other Russian - at least I think she was Russian. Maybe she was Polish. In any event it was obvious to me that neither of them spoke English very well at all yet that was the language they had in common so they struggled to explain how delicious their respective burritos were. This brought a tear to my eye. Burritos bridging the cultural gap! The world should look to the burrito in times of need.

Until next time,
Burritophile

The Chihuahua Burrito

Thank God the Burritophile is back! I have removed myself from seclusion where I sat in solitary darkness 23 hours a day* worrying about the BP and preparing myself for the worst. Finally, I can get back to what I do best, eating and writing about burritos.


For my final warm-up of the season, I stopped by the Jefferson Tap for a Chihuahua Burrito. Given the name, I was a bit skeptical at first. The last time I was offered a Chihuahua Burrito was in Cambodia, and needless to say, I declined, given the implications (OK undeniable facts) of what type of meat this burrito was made of. Putting my faith in the Jefferson Tap bar manager and City of Chicago sanitary and health codes, I decided to roll the dice on this offering.

The way it was explained to me, this burrito was made out of the left over beef from the stews. It was cooked further and given additional seasoning to create a delicious meat filling… I’d have to say well done. This burrito was massive. It was tasty offering of meat, beans, and an assortment of veggies wrapped in a large flour tortilla topped with cheese and served with a side of guacamole and salsa verde (with a little zip).

If you are looking for a delicious lunch and you find yourself downtown or near the west loop, I’d say give it a go. Although it was good, I do have a few suggestions for the Jefferson Tap that may improve the experience:

1. If the Jefferson Tap is serious about Mexican food, they should change their name to El Jefferson Cantina and hire a daytime manager named Pepe.

2. The burrito should come with an obligatory 14 beer desert. Let’s face it, burritos are more fun this way!

3. It is a little pricy compared to the $5 burritos I am used to. How about a Burrito Appreciation discount?

Next time you hear from me, it will be May!

*I am unable to mention on this site what I did with my other hour of the day, let’s just say Charlie Sheen

I'm Back

Fear not! I am alive and well and ready for Burrito Appreciation Month!

Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV, I decided to seclude myself in the far reaches of the world to prepare myself for this year's celebration. Let me bring you up to speed....

Rocky Balboa eats burritos too.

The last few Burrito Appreciation Months (BAM), I have come of the gates fast consuming burritos at a rate not seen by human eyes since the Great Burrito Binge of 1903. I ate steak, I ate pork, I ate bean....I ate them all each and every day. I thought "I can keep this up all month long!" But no mortal can do such things while running on the daily regimen I partook in leading up to BAM. I wasn't exercising. I was smoking my hookah daily. I was drinking enough Peach Coolies to make you blush. How in the world does that prepare one for a month of burrito eating? Let me tell you...it doesn't!

So this year I decided to change my routine to be able to withstand the month long rigors that accompany eating burritos day in and day out for a month.

First off, I had a heart to heart with Ted, my colon. He is as persnickety as ever! But like a bitter elderly couple that is too tired and/or lazy to find another mate for coitus,  he and I realized that neither of us is going anywhere.  So decided to compromise. 11 months of the year, I will feast on "Ted friendly" cuisine - cous cous, hummus, endives, and green pepper. This seems like a fairly limited diet, but the flip side is that in May I can have as many burritos as I want! I think I came out ahead on this deal (psst! Don't tell Ted! That little rapscallion might welch!).

Once Ted and I had things sorted out, I needed to begin a training program that called for my metabolism to be at it's peak during the month of May. So I hired a personal trainer named Toots McGaffigan. Toots is a former champion female alligator wrestler (by that I mean, Toots is a female not that she was wrestling female alligators. That would be mean.) and well schooled in how to optimize one's resting metabolic rate. Twelve months she pushed me. She pushed me harder than I have ever been pushed.  I did pushups, push downs, push asides. I squatted, I pressed, I hung, I curled, I cleaned, and I jerked (all in that order....that was a very important part of the training program). And now I am in the best shape of my life.

I am strong physically, but more importantly I am strong mentally! I read the works of the great Yogies in Tibet, Nepal, Indonesia, and Jellystone. I became one with the universe. I tapped into my inner Ch'i. I followed the path to eternal bliss. I made amends with my animal spirit and I discovered the meaning of life. Jealous? You should be. The meaning of life is pretty cool.

All of this has prepared me for tomorrow...Day 1 of Burrito Appreciation Month 2012.

Namaste,
Burritophile

APB for the BP

Hey all...getting a little scared...Anyone heard from the Burritophile, anyone???

In the burrito off-season, he has been known to get himself in trouble.  Need I tell you about his incarceration last year?  Sadly, since June 5, 2011, I haven't seen or heard from the man.  Is it possible that his colon, Ted, got the best of him?  Is it possible that after his criticism of the Ricketts family, that they have placed a bounty on his head?  Is it possible that he finally successfully met a nice co-ed that he lured back to his abode despite the sub-par decor (OK - obviously joking about that last one). 

I am sick with worry.  While the Burritophile is a wise old veteran who often blows off the burrito off-season, this level of non-contact is very upsetting.   I think like everyone else, I am hoping that he has just been in a drunken stupor for the last 11 months and will find us again soon.

Signed,

Very Concerned

National Endowment for Burritos (NEB)

A couple weekends ago I went to go see a performance art piece that had a central theme focused on the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA).  In all honesty, I have to admit that it was not a topic that I knew much about, so I did some research.   I was pleasantly surprised to learn that in 1965 our country set up an independent government agency to support artists and art organizations.  Art is the cornerstone of any civilized culture, and I feel that the NEA’s plight is very noble.  My only question to the feds is “are we possibly missing out on having an endowment on something more important than art?”  That endowment, of course, would be the National Endowment for burritos (NEB).

Like any politically involved person, I chose to write my local congressman and senator regarding this issue.  Burrito Appreciation, being a cottage industry, may not have the political clout that big oil and pharmaceuticals possesses; nevertheless, I figured that my elected officials must receive hundreds if not thousands of letters every day addressing burrito related topics.  Wanting to make my writing stand out, I tried to make as concise and convincing argument as possible.  I drew from four of my previous posts, “Jackie Robinson and the Burrito Barrier”, “Relationships, Dreams, burritos, You and Me”, Reefer and Burritos”, and “Earthday Burritos” and tried to outline the following points:

1. Without a NEB, the rate of immigration from south of the border could decline.  This could cripple our economy and reduce the options for delicious burritos in our country
2. Burritos are a healthy choice.  With a NEB, our country could save billions if not hundreds in health care premiums.
3. Burritos decrease crime.  They preoccupy criminal deviants, and leave them with less free time to commit their heinous activities.
4. Burritos are good for the environment, especially when eaten off reusable plate in dimly lit, poorly heated venues.

I’ll let you know when I hear back from Dan Lipinski and Mike Quigley.  Until then, I have plenty of letters to write, and so should you.