On this Siete de Mayo, one of the highest and holiest of all burrito days, I have to share a very sad and cautionary tale. There is an evil that lurks in this city. It's main purpose is to degrade, defame, and defile the scantity of the burrito. This poisonous venom goes by the name Flash Taco.
I was first introducted to Flash Taco, who we will refer to as the devil, on a clear and dusty day in June of 2006. It was the type of day where the birds were chirping and you could do no wrong. I light dust lifted from a sidewalk reconstruction project at the corner of North and Damen right in front of the devil. I had just moved to bucktown a month previous and after a day of moderate day drinking, I entered the devil's door . I was getting ready to be wisked away by enlightning burrito bliss, but such satisfaction was not meant to be. I placed an order for an Al Pastor Burrito, which if done right is the king of all burritos. I can't tell you how sad I was when I got home and realized that I had been suckered as the burrito I was holding in my hand was nothing more than dehydrated animal grissle.
Fast forward two months to the Lollapalooza Music Festival. I had friends in town from California and it was a beautiful Friday evening. After seeing my favorite band, Ween, my friends and I had worked up a bit of an appetite. Once again things were going great and I was on a real high, both from the natural euphoria the festival brought and the drugs I had taken. After leaving the fest we had taken the blue line el train which dropped us off right in front of the devil. There was a line coming out of the devil and I thought to myself "I must be crazy, this can't be that bad?"...WRONG. The burritos that we had were so awful that they stopped me and my intoxicated friends in our tracks. I had to appologize to my friends repeatedly for the next few years for that piss poor burrito experience. In fact I heard my friend from the Bay area mutter the words "Chicago certainly isn't a burrito town".....Appologizing for burritos? Chicago's not a burrito town? WTF was the devil doing to me?
The final straw came the following winter. After a day of drinking and watching basketball I had worked up a gnarly appetite. Being the kind and forgiving person that I am, I figured that maybe the devil has changed. Maybe the Devil chose to use good meat instead of dried lard. I should have dismissed those notions and run for the hills, but instead I found myself in the devil's dining room again. The burrito that I got was so awful that after taking two bites of it on Damen Avenue, I decided to throw it against a building in pure disgust. It was my perferance to go home drunk and hungry than to eat the devils pitiful excuse for a burrito This is the only ducumented launching or wasting of a burrito by yours truely. Three Strikes and you're out!
Friends, the reason that I tell this sad tale is that I don't want to see anyone have damage inflicted on them by the devil too. The next time we speak, I will have united with the Burrito Phile again and will have a happy story of delicious burritos to share. Hasta Luego.
No comments:
Post a Comment