The Burrito Theme Song

If you are in Mountain View, CA you should visit this restaurant simply because of the wonderful music they have on their website:

Awesome Burrito Music

Farewell Burrito Appreciation Month 2012

So, I’ve gotten behind on my posts over the last few weeks.  Here within lies the problem, I’m a doer, not an observer…

Let’s think about this.  Does Aaron Rodgers have a blog where he tells you what an awesome quarterback he is?  No, that is the job of the sportswriters of America. Likewise, Michael Jordan never had to blog about what a great basketball player he was, there were writers to do this for him.  In a perfect world, I shouldn’t be responsible for blogging about what an awesome, MVP caliber burrito appreciator I am.  Sadly for me, the Burrito Writers of America have been on strike since 1972, and there is no end to this strike in site (did you ever wonder why this is the only burrito site you have ever read?).  Some old school writers are still able to write about local taco and gordita issues, but the burrito writers, due to union restrictions, have been banished.  If we had a reporter from Burrito Monthly following the BP and me around 24-7, can you imagine what a great site this would be?  Wow, now that would be something worth reading about! 

I could take this opportunity to blog about all of the awesome burritos that I had to end the month, however, I would rather take this opportunity to look forward.  Below is a short list of places I want to check out in anticipation of the 2013 Burrito Season:

Birria Huentitan

4019 W. North Ave.

http://chicago.metromix.com/venues/mmxchi-birria-huentitan-venue

DeColores

1626 S. Halstead

http://www.decolor.us/

La Casa de Samuel

2834 W. Cermak

http://www.lacasadesamuel.com/

La Lagartija

132 South Ashland

http://lalagartijataqueria.com/

Sadly, unlike 2011, extra time will not be granted to Burrito Appreciation Month.  With Burrito Appreciation Month almost a fortnight past, its time has gone this year.  The lady at the door has long since beckoned, and it is time to grab my coat and get out of here.  I will say this, though, wow, what a month!

For the first time ever, I had a Cinco abstinence party.  I dined with super king burritos, and was introduced to magical doors.  I studied the history of Irish Burritos and explored the important issue of when a crepe becomes a burrito.  I even was a creator, delivering us the Tommy’s Taco Style Burrito. 

I don’t know if the Burritophile will live to see another burrito appreciation month, man is he in rough shape.  He was so busy inhaling burritos and enjoying them that I don’t think he and his colon Ted will ever make amends.   Other body systems, including his blood vessels and lungs, are so full of burritos that they are starting to fail.  We can only pray that the sun rises for him in 2013; another rigorous off-season training session will most definitely be required from him.

I figured that I would end 2012 Burrito Season like this so the ending of Sopranos, Lost, or whatever show you watch with a bad ending would seem less lame.  Onward to 2013 and catch you on the flip side!

McBob'c Irish Tacos

At about noon on Saturday, the hunger monkey leaped on my back and I was a famished little critter.  I decided to go to McBob’s at 49^th and North Avenue in Milwaukee to squelch my hunger with an Irish Taco.

The Irish Taco has an uncanny resemblance to a burrito.  If I didn’t know better, I would think that Mr. McBob, whoever he may be, was trying to simply sell a burrito under the Irish Taco name.  The Irish Taco is a wrapped, oversized flour tortilla shell that is filled with ground beef, cheese, salsa, sour cream, and jalapenos.  All of this can be procured for a mere $4.50 and enjoyed in McBob’s refreshingly low lit and establishment.  Inside all sunshine is blocked out, and you can enjoy your food in peace while being kept company by Christmas lights, locals bellied up to the bar, and extreme sports on the television.

The taco has a rich and deep history in Ireland.  Many of the reasons for Ireland’s revolution from England are cuisine based.  English food at best is incredibly bland.  There are only so many days in a row where you can eat soggy fish and chips washed down with room temperature beer before you would be ready to take up arms and start a revolution.  The King limited the Irish’s menu choices, and the Irish Taco was invented as a middle finger in the face to the King’s Royal Chef.  During the great potato famine, the Irish Taco morphed to an obnoxiously oversized burrito like fare so it could literally sustain and man for weeks on end.  I have to imagine that our own American revolution was also based on food and drink.  Our founding fathers dumped tea into Boston Harbor so we could become a sovergn nation free to invent much tastier beverages, like Coca-Cola, Caprisun, and Red Bull.

This piece of Irish history is not well known, and sadly McBob is a dying breed that still celebrates the Irish Taco.  If you don’t have a burrito joint nearby, you should go to McBob’s and have yourself an Irish Taco.  You won’t regret it.

The Magic Window

The Magic Door was a fictional piece by Arthur Conan Doyle that was received with mixed review by critics and enthusiasts alike.  While I’ll admit that I have never once witnessed a Magic Door, I may have just found a Magic Window.  It is named Mr. Senors and it is located at the corner of Murray and Thomas* on Milwaukee’s Eastside.

What is so magical about this window is that it takes your money and converts it into burritos.  I know, what a great trick, you need to try it out!  I bet even David Copperfield couldn’t do magic this delicious.  It’s like I walked up to this window with $10 and pow, I walked away with a burrito.  There need to be more windows like this in the world.  I am trying to train my own kitchen window to do this, but as a now there are just a bunch of $10 bills sitting on my window pane.  Maybe I need to call my landlord and complain.

Honestly, it is difficult for me to rate this burrito because I don’t remember eating it.  I didn’t get sick and there were no reports of me hurling it against the wall.  I guess it would probably rate somewhere between 4 and infinity.

 Until next time….

*Most awesome things in the world are associated with the name Thomas 

The Chen and Homeade Burritos

I woke up yesterday morning frazzled by an early morning message I received by a man simply known as ‘The Chen*’.  The message was cryptic, much like a ransom letter.  In the subject line it simply said ‘homemade burritos’.  When I opened the message, it had a picture attached of what appeared to be his brother-in-law** being held hostage by a burrito.

The Chen is an established long-standing veteran of Mexican Cuisine.  Growing up in central Mexico, he has been termed the ‘King of the Skirt Stake’.  He is known all throughout Mexico, as well as in New Orleans and on the Westside of Milwaukee.  He is a man of legendary proportion, and his exploits, too wild to mention on this site, are tales that will be told for generations to come.  The Chen, though, being so crafty with the skirt stake, does not always view the burrito in such a positive light.  For him, it is an oversized American bastardization of his wonderful native food. It lacks in taste to what he can do in his own backyard or a nearby local park with a charcoal grill.  Sadly for all of those who promote burrito appreciation, 99 times out of 100 he is correct.

Not knowing what the Chen was up to or where he may be lurching, I decided it would be wise to lay low.  This proved to be a problem, though, because I had the jones for a burrito.  I decided that maybe I could be inspired by the Chen’s subject line of a ‘homemade burrito’.  Not feeling safe leaving my property, I decided I would have to make due with what I had on hand.  I had some ocean perch thawed out.  Maybe I could season this up and place it on the grill.  In the crisper, I had some cilantro, green onions, and guac…hymmm…these could be some tasty toppings.  Finally, in the bread drawer, I had some mini burrito flour shells (some may call these soft taco shells).  For the final topper I had some salsa con queso.  Put these all together and pow, we have a new invention, the Tommy Style Taco Fish Burrito!

Being my first burrito creation, I thought this was wonderful.  I can be a tough critic on myself, though.  Most things that I do I merely rate on a scale of ‘pretty awesome’ to ‘ best thing in the world times a million’.  I will be objective on this one though.  I give myself a 45 out of 10.  If I ever had mobility to plan this out with more than what I happened to have on hand , chances are the rating will go up in spades.

I’ll keep you updated on the situation with the Chen.  I hope that his brother-in-law’s situation ends peacefully and we can all have skirt stakes in peace again.

* Notice the craftiness of the name ‘the Chen’.  Many times as Americans, we try to give a name a Latin flare by naming something el ___, instead of the ____ (i.e. el Nino).  It looks like the Chen has turned the tables on us by calling himself ‘the Chen’ instead of el Chen or simply Chen.

**The man pictured is married to ‘The Chen’s’ wife’s sister.  I am no expert on genology or family relationships, and I have no idea if this makes them brother-in-laws of some other arrangement.  For the sake of this article, we will just refer to him as a brother-in-law.

Mercadito Tiene no Burrito

Last week I went for a “bro date” with a couple of college buddies at Mercadito.  Mercadito is located at 108 W. Kinzie Street in Chicago’s River North Neighborhood.  Like many things in River North, this place is a bit trendy and overpriced.  It was so chic that it didn’t even have a sign outside indicating the restaurant’s name.  Despite these detractors, this restaurant did have a nice atmosphere and good Mexican food.  If you are looking for a nice place to impress, possibly for a suitor or business client, this is a perfectly good place to go.  If you are looking to have a burrito, this place sucks.

The thing that sucked the most about the burritos here was the fact that they didn’t have any.  If you are going to get a good rating on a burrito blog, it’s simple, you have to serve burritos.  The tacos were delicious (and they should be given that a plate of tacos, guac sampler, and 2 margies were $70), but the fact that they didn’t serve burritos hurt.  I realized ahead of time that there were no burritos on the menu, but for an old burrito pro like me, I figured with a little wink and a nod, they would make me a tasty burrito.  I was appalled to learn that they didn’t even own a tortilla large enough to wrap a burrito.

In summary, if you are looking for a nice place, Mercadito would suffice.  If you are looking for a burrito, it will disappoint; mainly because their burritos are non-existent.  If you are really looking to impress in River North, though, I recommend steaks or seafood.

When Does a Crepe Become a Burrito?

Today for lunch I went to the French Market Located in the Oglive Train Station.  Seeing that I was in a French market, I decided to go with a crepe from Flip Crepes.  The Crepe is a thin wheat flour wrapping that is stuffed with delicious ingredients, rolled over, toasted, and served.  In my case, I had a ham crepe that was stuffed with brie cheese, mushrooms, bacon, and spinach.  I really enjoyed my lunch, but about halfway through I had to ask myself “Is this really any different than a ham burrito?”   Was I simply having a ham burrito with a little French flair as there was brie cheese and a modified tortilla?  Is it possible that what the French and Mexican-American invented are about exactly the same?

A few years ago the Burritophile tried to tell me that he believed egg rolls to be nothing more than Chinese Burritos.  At the time, I thought the idea was absurd and I pooh-poohed it.  Looking back, maybe he was right.  Granted, due to the deep frying of the egg roll, it would be more of a Chinese Chimichanga than a burrito per se, but his point is well taken.   Is it possible that there are other equivalents that exist right now?  Is the sushi roll nothing more than a Japanese burrito?  How about pizza rolls?  The list could go on and on.  Is it even possible that a cigarette is nothing more than a tobacco burrito?

It seems that every culture has its own version of the burrito.  I believe the only question we have to ask ourselves now is “why are things so damn tasty when they are stuffed into a rolled wrapping?”

La Cuidad

Today I spent Mothers Day the way I always dreamed of since I was a little boy.  I had a burrito with the mother of all burritos, the Burritophile, at La Cuidad.

La Cuidad is Spanish for the city.  I think this place could have been an entire country.  Honestly, I have no idea what I meant by that last comment, but clearly it was meant to mean that the burrito was really, really awesome.  I had an Al Pastor Burrito Squizo…wow!  BBQ pork burrito smothered in melted cheese, it was a little taste of heaven.  My only complaint about the food was that they used a sweet pineapple-ish fruit in the burrito.  I don’t like the mix of sweet and savory.  In fact, I have a little saying, ‘savory before sweet, you have a treat; sweet before savory, not always so flavory'.

La Cuidad is located in a strip mall* at 4515 N Sheridan in the Uptown neighborhood.   It is conveniently located next to a coin laundry and a pawn shop.  This is critical because if you are ever short on burrito cash, you can just hock something next door for some flavor bucks.  The coin laundry comes into play when you get some burrito mess on your shirt.  You can just enjoy your desert ‘shirts off’ while your clothes are next door being cleaned.

Despite the overall greatness of this place I did notice a few things that they could improve on.  First of all, the background music was horrid.  Last time I looked, the Backstreet Boys and Justin Timberlake were not typical Mexican serenade.  Secondly, it was BYOB.  Burritos are best enjoyed with Margaritas, but it isn’t often that I just happen to be rolling with a pitcher of margies in my car.  Honestly, for once I just wanted someone to make me a god d*mn drink.  Finally, this place was far too nice and bright for the surrounding neighborhood.  I really enjoy my uptown burritos in a dark and dirty dump.  Who could enjoy a burrito in a place that could be described as cute?

Despite the detractors, they were nothing compared to the awesomeness of the burrito.  They even gave us complimentary chocolate covered strawberries for desert (savory before sweet).  Post haste and have yourself a burrito at La Cuidad!

*At first I misunderstood the Burritophile this morning and thought we were headed to a strip club for burritos.  I was both intrigued and disgusted.  As a rule, I avoid food at gentlemen’s establishments, but being Mothers day and all, I was willing to make an exception.

Prince Fielder Gets It

Prince Fielder Urges Rookie to Choke Up on Burrito

DETROIT—Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly shared years of veteran experience Wednesday by urging rookie pitcher to Drew Smyly to choke up on his burrito, claiming it would vastly improve his control and ability to make contact with the mouth. "First off, move in closer so you're directly over the plate and bend over more at the waist," said Fielder, who told Smyly to put his hands up higher on the burrito to make it shorter, lighter, and easier to swing around quickly. "You can loosen up your grip. You don't need to kill it. You just want to move it smoothly so you can find the gap. Actually, give me that burrito. That one's way too big for you. I like a huge barrel. I have them custom made for me, because I'm more of a power eater." Fielder also showed the first-year player how to prevent the burrito from slipping out of his hands by coating the tortilla in pine tar

Nooner Burrito with Royality

If burrito hunger was a crocodile, I was pinned in a death roll a little after 11AM this morning.  Not having the Steve Irwin like prowess to fight if off (mind you, this was a croc, not a sting ray), I decided to leave for lunch early and head to the Taco Burrito King at 811 West Jackson Blvd in University Village.

I never knew that being held in a mortal lock could be so tasty!  I ordered the Super King Burrito.  With burritos already adherently being ‘super’ and regal, I find the term ‘super king burrito’ doubly redundant, however, I won’t dock these guys for showing enthusiasm with their burrito’s name.  This thing was awesome.  It was a 13” inch nicely toasted flour tortilla filled with beans, lettuce, tomato, sour cream, cheese, hot sauce and in my case Chorizo (steak, al Pastor, chicken, ground beef, or beans were also options…tough, tough decisions).  For an additional five cents, they give you what they call a “Mexican Style Coke”, which is a coca-cola in the old school recyclable glass bottles that you used to have as a kid growing up.   Located near the U.I.C. campus, I wish there was a Taco & Burrito King where I went to school.  If I was admissions, I’d be sure to point this out in the first 5 minutes of every campus visit.  With all this for only $7.25 ($7.30 with the coke), it is simply impossible for you to not afford not to buy one.

Coming back to the office, I felt relaxed, fulfilled, and able to focus.  I always knew that rolling around in a burrito lock would be great over the lunch hour!

Post Cinco Recap

I’m gonna let you in on an intimate secret, I love Cinco De Mayo.  I feel like we’ve known each other long enough that you should know this, but let’s just keep this one our little secret.  Cinco De Mayo, though, like anything other great thing in this world, has its underlying problems and dark underside.  Just like New Years Eve brings out the pseudo drunks and St. Patty’s Day brings out the pseudo Irish, Cinco De Mayo Brings out the Pseudo Burrito Appreciators.

In addition to the underside of Cinco De Mayo, this Cinco proved to be especially challenging.  I had no idea of how I would live up to the greatness expected from me with the Derby being on the same day.  Surely, I could only inflict self harm trying to live up to the expectations set forth.  For inspiration, it tried to look back at my life to other times when I faced insurmountable odds and possible physical injury. 

When I was 9 years old, my pee-wee football team was slated to play against Joey Vottabuccho.  Joey was a rabid little fifth grader who weighed 160 pounds and had a full beard; he was sure to inflict physical injury on anyone who got in his way.  I wanted no part of this action and decided to feign sickness the morning of that game so I wouldn’t have to play.  My grandfather could see through my rouse, though, and said words that would stick with me for the rest of my life.  He said “You can stay home and sit this one out like a little wussy, OR…”.  Quite honestly, I have no idea what he said after “or” because his first piece of this statement, “stay home and sit this one out”, was spot on.  These words were wise beyond even his years and are the reason I made it through pee-wee football in one piece.  I wish I could say the same for little Timmy Cunningham who took my place on the field that day, god rest his soul.

My best approach to this Cinco was to” stay home and sit this one out”.  No need to deal with the riff raff of the pseudo burrito appreciators, or to face physical harm to which I was sure to expose myself to.  If I was going to be a wussy, though, I didn’t want to do it alone.  I figured that it would be a good idea to invite fifty of my closest friends over to be wussies with me.  The only problem with this approach is that I would need something to lure them over.  Seeing as most of my friends are alcoholics, I figured that booze would be the answer.  If I was going to get booze, I should probably make margaritas and stock up with Mexican beer because these are the tastiest.  Now the only problem was that my friends have a ridiculously short attention span.  Maybe if I set up my back yard with games like bags and ladder ball, I could keep their attention.  For the ones that are completely A.D.D. though, maybe I would have to get something simpler, like a children’s piñata stuffed with candy, to keep them occupied.  Now that I had their attention, I wouldn’t want them to leave because they were hungry.  I decided to provide chips, salsa, poppers, and taco meat because this is what I know best.  Finally, just like any group of people abstaining from a certain activity, I would have to provide some protest music.  I figured my newly purchased Ranchero stylings of Vincente Fernandez would be perfect.

This was possibly my best idea ever!  I could sit out this year’s Cinco De Mayo celebration by having about 50 people over and offering Mexican Beer, margaritas, taco meat, chips, salsa, games, and a  piñata, all while listening to Ranchero music.    Who said there wasn’t an alternative to Cinco De Mayo?  If not celebrating Cinco De Mayo could be this much fun, maybe I won’t celebrate Cinco just like this every year.  Genius, I know, and it all worked!  Now I just need to find a way to not celebrate other holidays.

Cinco De Mayo AND the Kentucky Derby This Saturday !?!?!?

Holy sh*t yo!  The Sun has eclipsed the moon and the earth has blown into a million f*cking pieces…that’s right, Cinco De Mayo AND the Kentucky derby are on the same day this year, May 5, 2012.

The blending of events like this has not happened EVER since May 2007, and it won’t EVER happen again until May 2018.  It’s like Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day, and the Fourth of July all have been wrapped up into one huge holiday, and that huge holiday took a ton of steroids.  Then, that steroided up holiday took even more steroids until it was bigger than GOD!

In order to understand the magnitude of this day, there are a few things that you have to understand about me.  First of off, horse racing is my FAVORITE sport that has non-human participants*,**.  Secondly, Saturday is my favorite day of the weekend.  Finally, Cinco De Mayo is my FAVORITE of the May Mexican holidays…OK, right, now I think you are starting to get it.

With a day of this magnitude, I am beside myself.  I don’t know how to pay it its required homage.  Maybe I could eat burritos until I induce a peyote like trance.  Then, in this trance, I could perform a human sacrifice in my backyard to please the angry burrito gods.  Assuming this isn’t enough, I could quit my job and join a mariachi band that only plays Kentucky Derby gigs.  That way I could have 364*** days a year off of work that I could spend in a burrito induced stupor.  I know what you’re thinking though, it’s not enough, it’s never enough, but what could be?

I used to be able to consult the Burritophile on issues like this, but his off-season training has put him over the top.  Rumor has it he has eaten 987 burritos since Tuesday.  In all honesty, he has quit taking time to breathe and I am afraid to get within a 500 foot radius of his mouth.  Small tornados have been reported all around the city caused by the whirl of his burrito intake.

I leave my self humbly looking for advice from you, the followers of the burrito****.  What should I do with this most glorious of days?

* My sincere apologies cock fighting fans

** Jockeys, like horses, are not human either

*** 365 days in leap years like this one

**** If you give me helpful advice, you will be spared and I promise not to make you the victim of the human sacrifice this Saturday J.

May is Here!!!

May is here, as thus commences burrito appreciation month!

Instead of boring you by blogging about the details of the 8 burritos that I had before breakfast this morning, I figured that I would do something different and be forward looking..

Burrito Appreciation Month is supposed to be an interactive event, and as a result, I have a few suggestions to get you involved…nothing funny here, just some honest to god good thoughts:

1. Try the Chicago 24-hour Mexican Challenge (see link below).

http://www.saveur.com/article/Travels/24-Hours-of-Mexico-in-Chicago

2.  Start or join a burrito club.  Much like a running club, it’s a nice way to meet people and can keep you in great shape.

3. Enjoy films, literature, periodicals, magazine & newspaper features, and online articles about burritos.  Share the pieces and your thoughts in the comment section.

4. Eat a burrito

    Talk soon!

Taqueria El Asadero

Friends,
Today I visited Taqueria El Asadero which is located on Montrose and Lincoln in Chicago.  I discovered this restaurant while running from some unruly children at nearby Welles Park (I will have my revenge, Bobby Kaminsky!).  This burrito joint is small, but big on flavor.

This is the restaurant.

I ordered the carne asada burrito with everything. I'd been told that the steak here was "off the hook". I assume this means it hangs on hooks in the back and they take it down to cook it. In any case, they cook it to order. While you wait for your burrito, they give you the best tortilla chips ever. Greasy, yet crisp they are delicious. And the hot sauce they provide is the right blend of spice and flavor.  Since the meat is cooked to order, you get a piping hot burrito delivered to your table. Mine came with the aforementioned carne asada, cilantro, sour cream, cheese, and onions. And it is wonderful. I have heard good things about the guacamole too and will try that at some point in the future.

As I sat enjoying my burrito and bottle of Coke (why does it taste better in a bottle? And why are Mexican restaurants the only ones to catch onto this?) I overheard an interesting conversation at the table next to me. It was two older women one of whom was Asian and the other Russian - at least I think she was Russian. Maybe she was Polish. In any event it was obvious to me that neither of them spoke English very well at all yet that was the language they had in common so they struggled to explain how delicious their respective burritos were. This brought a tear to my eye. Burritos bridging the cultural gap! The world should look to the burrito in times of need.

Until next time,
Burritophile

The Chihuahua Burrito

Thank God the Burritophile is back! I have removed myself from seclusion where I sat in solitary darkness 23 hours a day* worrying about the BP and preparing myself for the worst. Finally, I can get back to what I do best, eating and writing about burritos.


For my final warm-up of the season, I stopped by the Jefferson Tap for a Chihuahua Burrito. Given the name, I was a bit skeptical at first. The last time I was offered a Chihuahua Burrito was in Cambodia, and needless to say, I declined, given the implications (OK undeniable facts) of what type of meat this burrito was made of. Putting my faith in the Jefferson Tap bar manager and City of Chicago sanitary and health codes, I decided to roll the dice on this offering.

The way it was explained to me, this burrito was made out of the left over beef from the stews. It was cooked further and given additional seasoning to create a delicious meat filling… I’d have to say well done. This burrito was massive. It was tasty offering of meat, beans, and an assortment of veggies wrapped in a large flour tortilla topped with cheese and served with a side of guacamole and salsa verde (with a little zip).

If you are looking for a delicious lunch and you find yourself downtown or near the west loop, I’d say give it a go. Although it was good, I do have a few suggestions for the Jefferson Tap that may improve the experience:

1. If the Jefferson Tap is serious about Mexican food, they should change their name to El Jefferson Cantina and hire a daytime manager named Pepe.

2. The burrito should come with an obligatory 14 beer desert. Let’s face it, burritos are more fun this way!

3. It is a little pricy compared to the $5 burritos I am used to. How about a Burrito Appreciation discount?

Next time you hear from me, it will be May!

*I am unable to mention on this site what I did with my other hour of the day, let’s just say Charlie Sheen

I'm Back

Fear not! I am alive and well and ready for Burrito Appreciation Month!

Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV, I decided to seclude myself in the far reaches of the world to prepare myself for this year's celebration. Let me bring you up to speed....

Rocky Balboa eats burritos too.

The last few Burrito Appreciation Months (BAM), I have come of the gates fast consuming burritos at a rate not seen by human eyes since the Great Burrito Binge of 1903. I ate steak, I ate pork, I ate bean....I ate them all each and every day. I thought "I can keep this up all month long!" But no mortal can do such things while running on the daily regimen I partook in leading up to BAM. I wasn't exercising. I was smoking my hookah daily. I was drinking enough Peach Coolies to make you blush. How in the world does that prepare one for a month of burrito eating? Let me tell you...it doesn't!

So this year I decided to change my routine to be able to withstand the month long rigors that accompany eating burritos day in and day out for a month.

First off, I had a heart to heart with Ted, my colon. He is as persnickety as ever! But like a bitter elderly couple that is too tired and/or lazy to find another mate for coitus,  he and I realized that neither of us is going anywhere.  So decided to compromise. 11 months of the year, I will feast on "Ted friendly" cuisine - cous cous, hummus, endives, and green pepper. This seems like a fairly limited diet, but the flip side is that in May I can have as many burritos as I want! I think I came out ahead on this deal (psst! Don't tell Ted! That little rapscallion might welch!).

Once Ted and I had things sorted out, I needed to begin a training program that called for my metabolism to be at it's peak during the month of May. So I hired a personal trainer named Toots McGaffigan. Toots is a former champion female alligator wrestler (by that I mean, Toots is a female not that she was wrestling female alligators. That would be mean.) and well schooled in how to optimize one's resting metabolic rate. Twelve months she pushed me. She pushed me harder than I have ever been pushed.  I did pushups, push downs, push asides. I squatted, I pressed, I hung, I curled, I cleaned, and I jerked (all in that order....that was a very important part of the training program). And now I am in the best shape of my life.

I am strong physically, but more importantly I am strong mentally! I read the works of the great Yogies in Tibet, Nepal, Indonesia, and Jellystone. I became one with the universe. I tapped into my inner Ch'i. I followed the path to eternal bliss. I made amends with my animal spirit and I discovered the meaning of life. Jealous? You should be. The meaning of life is pretty cool.

All of this has prepared me for tomorrow...Day 1 of Burrito Appreciation Month 2012.

Namaste,
Burritophile

APB for the BP

Hey all...getting a little scared...Anyone heard from the Burritophile, anyone???

In the burrito off-season, he has been known to get himself in trouble.  Need I tell you about his incarceration last year?  Sadly, since June 5, 2011, I haven't seen or heard from the man.  Is it possible that his colon, Ted, got the best of him?  Is it possible that after his criticism of the Ricketts family, that they have placed a bounty on his head?  Is it possible that he finally successfully met a nice co-ed that he lured back to his abode despite the sub-par decor (OK - obviously joking about that last one). 

I am sick with worry.  While the Burritophile is a wise old veteran who often blows off the burrito off-season, this level of non-contact is very upsetting.   I think like everyone else, I am hoping that he has just been in a drunken stupor for the last 11 months and will find us again soon.

Signed,

Very Concerned

National Endowment for Burritos (NEB)

A couple weekends ago I went to go see a performance art piece that had a central theme focused on the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA).  In all honesty, I have to admit that it was not a topic that I knew much about, so I did some research.   I was pleasantly surprised to learn that in 1965 our country set up an independent government agency to support artists and art organizations.  Art is the cornerstone of any civilized culture, and I feel that the NEA’s plight is very noble.  My only question to the feds is “are we possibly missing out on having an endowment on something more important than art?”  That endowment, of course, would be the National Endowment for burritos (NEB).

Like any politically involved person, I chose to write my local congressman and senator regarding this issue.  Burrito Appreciation, being a cottage industry, may not have the political clout that big oil and pharmaceuticals possesses; nevertheless, I figured that my elected officials must receive hundreds if not thousands of letters every day addressing burrito related topics.  Wanting to make my writing stand out, I tried to make as concise and convincing argument as possible.  I drew from four of my previous posts, “Jackie Robinson and the Burrito Barrier”, “Relationships, Dreams, burritos, You and Me”, Reefer and Burritos”, and “Earthday Burritos” and tried to outline the following points:

1. Without a NEB, the rate of immigration from south of the border could decline.  This could cripple our economy and reduce the options for delicious burritos in our country
2. Burritos are a healthy choice.  With a NEB, our country could save billions if not hundreds in health care premiums.
3. Burritos decrease crime.  They preoccupy criminal deviants, and leave them with less free time to commit their heinous activities.
4. Burritos are good for the environment, especially when eaten off reusable plate in dimly lit, poorly heated venues.

I’ll let you know when I hear back from Dan Lipinski and Mike Quigley.  Until then, I have plenty of letters to write, and so should you.

Earthday Burritos

Burritos are the most environmentally friendly food in the world, this is a fact. Much like religion, there is no scientific proof of this, so you will just have to believe me. In fact, there is evidence pointing otherwise, but I tell you, this is all heresy. March on soldier, march on!

In order to not seem totally devoid of any logic or common sense, though, I will take on some of the main criticisms of the environmental soundness of the burrito:

Concern: Anything that uses meat or other items on the top of the food pyramid does not represent an efficient use of land.

Response: Did the researchers take the time to notice that if you remove the top of the food pyramid, you would not have a pyramid at all? Rather, you would have a flat top structure that looks much more like a food trapezoid from the side (elevation) view. Mr. Scientist, I believe that your grant was to study the food PYRAMID, not the food TRAPEZOID. There, that’s what I thought! Boom, smack, pow, you’ve been served. Any response….I didn’t think so.

Concern: Unless the veggies are organic, the growth agents and pesticides used to cultivate crops are not environmentally sound.

Response: Did anyone take the time to consider the rights of pesticides and growth agents? They have feelings too. I think it is a little short sighted that these aren’t given any consideration. How about a more balanced approach to your views…com’on!

Concern: Wax paper and foils used to wrap burritos are not biodegradable or reusable.

Response: OK, this one is valid. I would like to tweak my stance a little and offer this – burritos eaten in said burrito place placed on a reusable plate and eaten with your hands are the most environmentally friendly food. This value goes up in spades when said burrito place is poorly lit and does not use traditionally acceptable levels of cooling or heating. Some people may call these places ghetto, but I call them green, just like tasty salsa verde.

Do the earth a favor, have a burrito today!

Burritos & Reefer

April 20th (4/20) is the pot smokers national holiday. I won’t post why, but if you really want to know the reasons for this, I recommend asking one of your stoner friends. Then, after getting a rambling and drawn out half coherent response, you can google it (or yahoo it*) and find out the real reason.

Personally, I pass on grass. This is a steadfast rule. Fortunately, there are probably enough exceptions to the rule to prove this rule 100% true, most of the time. While I am not a smoker, it is undeniable to realize the link between reefer and burritos.

For all of you stoners who read this site**, I have put together some suggestions that you may want to take to integrate burritos with your big day:

10.Roll a joint that looks alike a burrito
9. Use your steamroller as a burrito holder
8. Use your burrito as a steamroller
7. Bake yourself a space burrito
6. Bake a space burrito for your friend or spouse and don’t tell them until after they eat it
5. Bake your boss a space burrito and earn and afternoon (or longer) off work
4. Instead of smoking that medical grade dank, try smoking some Mexican swag (OK not recommended)
3. After toking, write some love songs about burritos
2. Figure out a way to use a burrito as a gravity bong (advanced)
1. Purchase your product in a neighborhood full of burrito joints

OR Continue to get high (as you normally do) and get a burrito when you get the munchies (as you normally do).

You can thank me for these wonderful recommendations with the payment of a juicy and tasty burrito!

* That one was for you Morzer
** I am assuming that about 95% are stoners. I mean why else would you read a website devoted to burritos!

Get Ready...Only 25 Days and Counting...

It has been a different type of winter in the Upper Midwest this year. February has felt like April, March like June, and St. Patrick’s Day felt like the Fourth of July. With Ivy on the wall at Wrigley for the opener today, it appears that it is Mother Nature’s appointed duty to completely confuse us as to where we live and what time of year it is. I (out of all people) am here to give you a dose of reality: We’re in Chicago, It is April 5, and Burrito Appreciation Month is Only 25 Days Away!!!

This is your wake up call MF’ers…it is time to get ready!!! The season of burrito hard knocks is only a little over three weeks away! It is time to get in shape, get ready, and starting munching on burritos. I don’t want anyone to get caught by surprise; injured by the whiplash of being unexpectedly nailed by Burrito Appreciation Month. Getting ready for burrito appreciation month will mean different things to different people. For the healthy eater, this means re-introducing the steak burrito into your diet. For the diabetics, it means getting extra insulin injections. For the vain (you know who you are), it means getting those hot bikini and bathing suit profile pictures done now, because come June 1st, there will be nothing left of you but a bloated burrito mess! For those who eat burritos year round, carry on comrades, carry on!

Don’t let me catch you without a burrito in your mouth!