The Royal and The Presidential

I think that adding additional time to Burrito Appreciation Month, per the rules of soccer, may have been one of my most genius moves ever. If there is anything that Americans can learn from the dreadful sport of soccer, let it be this. With my additional time I did well and went to El Presidente (2558 N. Ashland, West Lakeview) and El Nuevo Leon (1515 W. 18th Street, Pilsen).

As a warm-up before the Melvins show at the Double door last week, had dinner at El Presidente. Unless you are fluent in Spanish, you may not know this, but El Presidente is actually Spanish for ‘the president’. Upon further review, I am not so sure what was so presidential about this place. I did not see Obama there, though admittedly he is a south-sider and a very busy man these days. The former US presidents, still living, were not there either. No George W, but based on the fact that he is a f*ckin’ idiot, I am also assuming that he is anti-burrito. I did not see my political hero Bill Clinton either. Slick Willy enjoys himself a good burrito, but may not have been informed that burritos are not bad for you, even if you’ve had extensive by-pass work done. Jimmy Carter, well he better start explaining himself. Nobel Peace Prize Winners are supposed to be pro-burrito. Sadly too, none of the living Mexican premiers past (Echeverría , de la Madrid , Salinas , Zedillo , Fox) or present (Calderón ) were there, but I am guessing that after reading my blog, they will flock to El Presidente so that the restaurant can live up to its name.

At El Presidente, I had a Carne Asada Burrito. They do their burritos in a manner that I call plate style. You are provided a thin tortilla that wraps meat, and then all of the toppings are on the plate. It appeared to me that Carne Asada was their featured meat (since they charged $.50 more for it) so I got a thinly wrapped Carne Asada Burrito with a plate that included rice, beans, guac, sour cream, lettuce tomatoes, and onion. Bite by bite, I would eat my burrito, placing the toppings on a fork to spread on the end of the burrito I was about to eat. I think this plate was delicious and really enjoyed the experience. Furthermore, El Presidente is open 24-7-365, so when Calderon or his predecessors arrive, they can rest assured that it will be open and a burrito will be ready for them.

After running a half marathon in sweltering heat last weekend, I went to El Nuevo Leon for a late lunch. I do realize in many instances that eating a burrito after running a race may represent an in-balance of the inner Yin and Yang that would equate to all out internal warfare, but this is not the case if the burrito comes from El Nuevo Leon, because it’s that good. Those with a basic understanding of Spanglish would know that El Nuevo Leon is Spanish for ‘the new lion’, and since the lion is the king of the jungle, this is literally the new king. I sincerely hope the regicidal acts are against the law in Chicago, because this ‘new king’ needs to live to see a ripe old age.

I feel bad even rating this place with burrito joints that are on this web site. El Nuevo Leon is clearly in a class of its own. Upon arriving, you are greeted with a delicious little appetizer, gratis. This time, it was a plate with a tortilla and some grilled meat and beans to make you own little taco. In the past it has been a soup with a chicken wing or some other creative little starter. Along with the starter, you are provided a basket of chips, two salsas, and a collection of peppers. It gets even better when the entre comes. A third (warmed salsa) comes to the table to accompany your meal. The burrito was out of this world. The choices are limited to chicken or Steak, so I went with steak. This stake burrito had chihuahua cheese, guac, lettuce tomatoes,refried beans, and sour cream. This was probably the best thing I have ever tasted. How much would you expect to pay for all of this? $100…wrong…$25….wrong…$10….wrong! Six dollars! Only six dollars!

With this I bid you adieu in 2011, and can’t wait to be back in 2012. See you all soon! Bueno ano tenemos!

PS – the essay contest was not a joke. Please submit essays to theivesiest@yahoo.com. Winner gets a burrito lunch on me, and maybe the Burritophile will even make an appearance!

Until Next Time…

Burrito Appreciation Month Extended - *#! Essay Contest -!#!

I am not a soccer fan, but I do realize that in the sport that they have something at the end of the game called “Additional Time”. Additional time in soccer is stoppage time that delayed the game. This time is added on to the 90 minute regulation time. After the 90 minutes regulation the referee decides how much time to add. I like this concept and believe that it should apply to Burrito Appreciation Month. By my calculations, there were five days where due to travel and locale, I was delayed from or not able to get a burrito. With this said, BURRITO APPRECIATION MONTH IS BEING EXTENDED UNTIL JUNE 5, 2011!

Since we have this extra time, I would like to extend a contest to all of our readers. Burrito Appreciation Month is sponsoring an essay contest titled “Burrito Appreciation Month and what it means to me”. Simply put together an essay with your thoughts and feelings towards Burrito Appreciation Month, and email it to theivesiest@yahoo.com. I will personally judge the essays, and the winner will get a free burrito lunch or dinner with me. Sharpen your pencils and get writing!

Cermitas Puebla – 3619 W. North Avenue (Humboldt Park).

I have found that some of the worst words in the English Language start with the letter “C”. Cancer, Chlamydia, and Cardiac Arrest all start with the letter “c”, as does the c-word itself. I would like to add one more word to that list “CLOSED”.

On this Memorial Day, I believe that this nation owes a great debt of gratitude to the members of our armed services, past and present. These brave souls have risked and many lost their lives to defend our country. They have spent months, and sometimes even years away from family and loved ones in order to keep this nation safe. I think it is wonderful that the country takes a day off to remember, but there are certain facilities and institutions that cannot close to remember our soldiers. Hospitals remain open Memorial Day, so do police and fire stations. I will like to add one more institution that should remain open, Mexican Restaurants. If I was a soldier who fought the war, I would most certainly want to be able to enjoy the most American of all Mexican foods on this fine holiday, the Burrito.

Cermitas Puebla, you may have been closed this time, but I will be coming back sometime when it is not a national holiday. Look forward to my post “When a Puebla becomes a casa” when I finally get there.

Until Next Time…

Artegas cocina - Milwaukee WI

I spent the past weekend standing up in a friend’s wedding in Milwaukee. Overall, this was probably one of the most positive wedding experiences I have ever witnessed; the party was great, the couple is awesome, and I felt honored to be able to participate in this wedding experience. The only detail that was overlooked was that I don’t think they realized that they were holding a wedding during the last weekend of Burrito Appreciation Month. A few years ago I did have friends hold a wedding during Burrito Appreciation Month; however, they held the wedding in Mexico. Although they didn’t write it on their invitations or mention it, they effectively were having a Burrito Destination Wedding (I mean why else would you go to Mexico to get married?).

Not wanting to anger the Burrito Gods, I immediately chose to get a burrito upon my arrival in Milwaukee. Actually, to say I choose may be too strong of a word. Being the burrito junkie that I am, I started to get a strong jones about an hour outside of Burrito Capitol USA (Chicago), and as I was itching and scratching, I asked my friend to drive faster so we could get a burrito. Sadly for me, there is no known medical cure for burrito addiction. I spend a lot of time chasing the dragon of that first time I loaded up on Burritos. At least heroin addicts have methadone, however, medical advances have not brought about a synthetic burrito, and lesser forms of the burrito, like the taquito or the gordita, will not squelch the jones.

Per a Facebook of recommendation from my friend’s mom, I went to Arteagas Cocina in Milwaukee at 1234. S. Cesar E. Chavez Drive (little did she know she was helping to feed the monkey). To start off, let’s talk about the neighborhood. This area of Milwaukee has a strong Chicano influence, and is about the closest thing that you will find to Mexico inside Wisconsin. Being born and raised in Milwaukee, I am appalled that I have never been in this area before. The street was lined with Mexican Restaurants and little shops and stores. It looked like a paradise I would like to spend more time exploring. Once inside the restaurant, the burrito menu was awesome. They have a Burrito Grandismo and a Burrito Gigante, as well as an option for 3 smaller burritos and a Vegetarian Burrito which they actually charge more for than a regular burrito (suck it non-meat eaters).

I decided to order the Burrito Grandismo with Al Pastor. It would be an understatement to say that this thing was awesome! I don’t think that words can describe how perfectly done the al pastor was. All of the other toppings (rice, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream), blended into what I would describe as an orgasm of taste. This burrito is top of my list in Milwaukee, and worth mentioning in the top burritos I have ever had. 9.5 Wow!

Until Next Time…

Dona Naty's

OK - this one will be short & simple. Went to Dona Naty's (1815 W. Chicago - Ukrainian Village) on Saturday and had an Al Pastor Burrito and Nachos. I would rate the dining experience as lackluster at best. The Al Pastor Burrito burrito was flavorless and in general not very good. The nachos were a concoction that my buddies 4-year old could have done a better job with Kraft and a microwave.

I hate to pan a place that is as well respected as Dona Naty's is in the burrito world, so I will just state the facts. Around 7:30 PM on Saturday May 21, their nachos and Al Pastor burritos were not very good. With Tecalitlan and El Taco Veloz so tasty and close, I can not see going back to Dona Naty's anytime soon.

Hopefully next time I can lighten your day with Burrito Bliss...

Lord of the Burritos – Burrito Trilogy #2 – Taqueria Cuauhtemoc, Garcias, & Burrito House

Preface – This trilogy is very different than the last, where good things were found at unexpected times and places. In this story, we are going into the all-stars, the heavy hitters, and expecting results. We are tri-winning here! There is no fooling around, no jokes, no clever wit, just burritos, burritos, and taste. This trilogy will take place in acts, and will go from most recent to least.

Act 3 – Taqueria Cuauhtemoc, 2504 S. Kedzie, Little Village – Sunday May 15

Last week I asked a cab driver what he thought was the best burrito joint in Chicago. He directed me to me to Mi Tierra in the Little Village. When I got there it was bright pastel and looked exactly like the Mi Tierra on Belmont in Lakeview. With the said, I knew I need something with a little different feel, so I went a few doors north the Taqueria Cuauhtemoc.

Upon walking in, I know I was in an honest to god taqueria. It was mid-afternoon, and there were a few older men sitting at the counter enjoying tacos and having either a soda or a beer. Spanish was the only language being spoken here. When the lady from the counter asked me for my order, I requested “un burrito carnitas por favor”. In perfect English she answered “you want a carnitas burrito?”, and upon arrival the man sitting next to me who was having much more reasonably portioned tacos said “you are more of a man than me”.

The carnitas burrito I had was one of the freshest tasting burritos ever. The carnitas themselves were unbelievably juicy and delicious. The burrito was topped with cheese, refried beans, lettuce, tomatoes, cilantro, and sour cream. As a whole, this burrito simply rocked, I’ve never had anything like it. Delicious, juicy, and surprisingly light on the stomach. This was easily the best deal I have ever had for $5. It is experiences like this that make the sometimes glutinous exercise of blogging burritos worth while. I recommend the next time that you have a Sunday afternoon free, you head down to the Little Village and go here or one of the many other wonderful hole in the wall taquerias in the neighborhood.

Act 2 - Garcias , 4749 N Western, Lincoln Square – Saturday May 14

Many people have told me they believe this to be the best burrito place in Chicago. Sadly for me, despite all of the burritos I’ve had over all the years, I had never been, so I figured it was time to go, and I didn’t already have any dinner plans for Saturday night.

Apparently, this restaurant had a major facelift a little over a year ago. What was once a true burrito shack is now a very nice, if not upscale looking, restaurant. Apparently, they had also expanded and it had a pretty large footprint, complete with plasma TV’s. Despite the very modern look, I still feel this place had authenticy, it had just added versatility.

I ordered an al pastor y chorizo burrito suizo. This thing was massive. I often wonder what any of the power eaters would look like trying to finish this because I wasn’t even close. In fact, neither of my friends I was with finished their burritos either. Portion control was most definitely an issue; I’d recommend splitting a burrito. Overall, I though it had a really good taste, but the sodium on the chorizo was a bit overdone. I think that sodium on the burrito porks can be a delicate issue. By nature, they are already so sodium rich; that the less is more policy doctrine should be incorporated.

I really did enjoy this restaurant and the experience I had. I went in, though, with expectations way higher than they should have been. I think that this is a lovely burrito place, but by no means the best in Chicago.

Act 1 – Burrito House, 3547 N. Lincoln, North Center – Friday May 13

After catching “This Must be the Band” the Talking Heads cover band at Martyr’s, I popped south a few blocks with my buddy to the Burrito House. It is no secret that I think this is the best burrito place on Chicago’s north side east of the expressway. Last year when I wrote about it, my review simply said “go there 10 out of 10”. I have never had a less than awesome experience here, and this time was no exception.

I had the chorizo y al pastor burrito (are you catching a pattern). There is something about their meat and the way they toast their shells that is completely unlike any other place. The only style points I had to add this time is that I ordered a cup of nacho cheese and as I ate my burrito, I would pour nacho cheese on it. I really don’t think life gets any better than this. My only complaint about this place is that the pork is so good, that I have no idea what the chicken or steak taste like. Once again, do yourself a favor, set down your computer and F*uckin go there! Wow!

Until next time (or the time after if you choose to skip reading one of our blogs)…..

Andy Gehl

Fart of Darkness

Friends,
In posts gone by, I have regaled you with tales of my colon, Ted. He's a rascally little guy full of mischief and deceit. He sometimes takes umbrage to my burrito eating ways. His revenge is not immediate, however. Ted is much too maniacal to act on impulse. He will wait...sometimes for hours or days on end before having his vengeance.

Today was that day....

Rewind to yesterday. I chose to partake in a burrito from Allende. It's located on Lincoln and Fullerton near the DePaul campus. I had heard good things about Allende from the co-eds I try to woo back to my tastefully decorated condo. They all gave glowing reviews. Personally, I found the burrito sort of average. It wasn't bad by any means, but it wasn't great either. Sort of bland. Allende gets points for having tasty hot sauce though (even though it really wasn't all that hot). All in all I have to give this burrito joint a 6. Those co-eds have under-evolved taste buds apparently.

Allende is located on the southern end of Chicago's "burrito district". A completely made up area roughly bordered by Fullerton on the south, Diversey on the north, Lincoln on the west, and Halsted on the east. Entering the burrito district is not for the faint of heart. It's for brave souls willing to engage in a little danger. Not unlike the Captain Willard character in Apocalypse Now. Ted doesn't like it when I enter the burrito district. He knows bad things reside there. Ted is very much like Captain Willard. And today, I was very much like Colonel Kurtz.

I was riding the bus this morning from my tastefully decorated condo to my meditation lab in downtown Chicago. As is my custom, I sit next to a pretty girl even if there are other seats available. This has never worked for me but I figure all I need is for it to work once.....or twice. At one of the early stops, another girl got on and sat on the other side of me! This has never happened to me before. I began rehearsing my opening lines hopeful for a three way (you never know unless you ask, right?). And just as I was about to open my mouth, Ted appeared.

At first I thought it was just the bus going over a bump in the road. I shook it off and tried to speak again, but this time Ted roared more loudly. I began to sweat. I sat back in my seat and tried to breath. He roared again, more loudly this time. No one heard but me but I knew what was coming. The end was near. My mind began to race. I began to recite T.S. Eliot. "..shape without form. Shape without color." I was going mad.

I began to talk to Ted: "Are you a silent assassin, Ted?" He did not respond. I grew agitated, angry. I lashed out at him, "You're an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill." He rumbled loudly at this point. I knew my time had come.

I pushed my butt as far down into my seat as it would go. I considered standing but that would only put my rear at nose level. I considered a prayer but before I could decide on an appropriate religious incantation, Ted struck. He was indeed a silent assassin. I sat frozen with fear as the gas seeped from my body. I hoped it would not smell but that hope was quickly proven false. The smell was horrific. It not only cleared out the two girls seated next to me, but the entire back of the bus. Even the Turkish guy who probably never showers was offended. I sat alone wallowing in my own stink. The day was Ted's. He destroyed my very soul.

The horror.


The horror.


The horror.


Just wait until this weekend, Ted. I'm eating Ethiopian food you son of a bitch.

Burrito Trilogy #1

Hello... welcome back…it’s been a minute…sorry for the hiatus...let me explain…

I was down in the Big Easy from Wednesday night 5/4 until the past Monday night (yes 5-days & nights in NOLA) doing a burrito mission. I will admit that a bachelor party and a 120-hour bender were part of the experience. I’ll also admit that eating a lot of burritos and converting people over to the burrito were not. Despite my actions, however, everyone knows and understands deep down I was there for a higher purpose, the burrito.

Upon my return, I was incarcerated for about 60 hours over the last five days at my place of employment. Sadly for me, the Burrito Blog does not provide me a living income and I need a means to end, the end being of course delicious burritos.

During my hiatus, I did receive some comments asking whether I would come back and what was going on. Happy for me, it means that someone actually reads this blog, so I will take no offense to any nasty remarks; and while I do realize that it is sacrilege that I did not post on Cinco De Mayo, much like Santa Claus taking Christmas Eve off, I have come back with a burrito trilogy. This Trilogy has three parts and I will tell you all three parts:

Part 1 – The Scene is Cinco De Mayo, Thursday May 5, in New Orleans, LA (NOLA). NOLA may be one of the best cities in the world to visit, especially for those who harbor a love for great food, live music, and the drink. Although NOLA cuisine is amazing, they are born with a tongue for the Creole, and the burrito is at best hidden behind the scenes. In the land of hedonism, I did not know where I would find my burrito sanctuary. Turns out it came in a place by the name of Juan’s Flying Burrito. The name Flying Burrito scares the hell out of me…

…Rewind 12 years…In college, a good friend of my coined a move called the ‘Flying Burrito’. He would run full speed and hurl himself into the air. During flight, he would level himself out horizontally into a position that he believed looked like a 'Flying Burrito’. Then, he would continue his flight into some really drunk person who was seated. Usually, the person who was hit, due to their state, would not feel a thing, but the real victim would be the piece of furniture they were seated on. Most times, that furniture would belong to a really sweet and really cute coed who was kind enough to have us into her apartment for an after hours party. Needless to say, after the damage and destruction caused, we would be forced to leave and go home empty handed. I would like to go on record as saying that I hate the flying burrito and I blame that move at least partially for never meeting my future wife, whoever she may be, in college.

…Fast forward to a better time, the present. …Not sure what to expect at Juan’s, I decided to behave, fit in with the culture, and order a Jerk Gator Burrito. Jerk Gator Burrito, what a wonderful fusion food! Here I was, enjoying a wonderful burrito, and at the same time being immersed in the Cajun culture. Juan’s, you get my stamp of approval!

Part 2 – Fast forward to the following Tuesday, May 10. The Scene is Wrigley Field, Chicago Illinois. I am offered free bleacher tickets to a Cubs game from work. Normally, due to my hatred of the Cubs, and the fact the Ricketts family is anti-burrito (reference burritophile post ‘Warm-up #4’, 4/9/2011), I avoid Wrigley. This night, however, was different. It was beautiful out and I was able to catch up with a good friend who enjoys the Cubs and sadly is leaving town soon. As we got to the seats, I saw a group of good friends who were randomly at the game and just happened to be right by us. Just seeing their faces brought me into a happy place, and then they went above and beyond. After a long day of work, I did not have enough time for dinner and I was starving. Furthermore, Wrigley treats its burrito lovers like it does their smokers, second class citizens. For either a smoke or a burrito, you essentially have to leave the stadium. When we went over to say hi to my friends, they revealed a contra band bag of Taco Bell and offered me a free 7-layer burrito! Another burrito miracle! Needless to say my tummy went home happy.

Part 3 – Fast forward to following Thursday, May 12. The scene is West Chicago Avenue, around Damen. Once again after a long day I met some friends for a drink or two. As I was about to go home, all I was looking forward to was a warm bed and sawing some logs. About to leave, a friend of mine who I previously thought only possessed above average intelligence looked at me and said “All I know is I’m headed to El Taco Veloz”. El Taco Veloz, what a genius! Turns out he was a mental f*cking genius! El Taco Veloz was as wonderful as I remember it Cinco De Mayo 2010, when I first met the Burritophile. It was a great al pastor burrito, but one warning, the Margarita’s taste like tang.

There are three lessons to be learned:
1. Sometimes the greatest joys come from people, places, and times that you least expect them.
2. Good things come in threes
3. Great things happen on Days that begin with ‘T’. I was born on a Thursday, December 22, 1977…Rewind 33 years.

Cinco De Mayo Eve

Sometimes, the eve of an event eclipses the event itself. For many American families, Christmas Eve has become a bigger event that Christmas Day. Many people feel socially defined by what they do on New Years Eve, but it is much more rare to hear talk of what people are doing New Years Day. Halloween was established as the eve of All Saints Day (hallows eve). I’ve been to a lot of great Halloween Parties, but I can’t tell you that I’ve ever been to a bitchin’ All Saints Day party.

I would like you to think about this today, the Eve of Cinco De Mayo. Just because the big day is tomorrow doesn’t mean you can’t let loose a little tonight. While it may not be realistic yet that CDM Eve would eclipse the holiest of all burrito days, it’s a good idea to at least try to have a little fun with it.

To celebrate the holy day, I will be headed to New Orleans. Unfortunately, the po’ boy is king down there, and I have missionary work to do to try to spread the word of the burrito. Converting people is not easy work, but if you want to start a revolution, you need to be willing to roll up your sleeves. I’m sure when I’m there that I will be longing to get back to the Burrito Capitol of the USA, Chicago.

Until next time……..

Andy Gehl

Las Asadas Take 2

After my powerful dream I had the other night, I started looking into Frued's writings about dream interpretation, trying to make sense of what I had experienced in my sleep. Unfortunately, Frued did not study burrito dreams, so I was left with no help. After reading his work, I was only left to wonder that if Frued had done less blow, would he have had a better appetite for tasty burritos? If he had experienced the burrito, would he be able to help me to understand the inner meanings of my dreams? I guess we'll never know, but this is a good advertisement warning against the evils of cocaine.

Anyways, not fully understanding my inner feelings, I wanted to keep things local to usher in Burrito Appreciation Month, so I went to Las Asadas. I hate to review things twice (Reference "In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb" June 2010), but at Las Asadas I make an exception. Last June, I gave it an 8.5, this year 9.0. Get the Burrito, Ger the Super Burrito, get whatever you would like, just make sure to go there and have a burrito there for Christ's Sake!

Until the next time when I go to a new place....

Welcome to Burrito Appreciation Month 2011!

Viva Burritos!

It would take more than Ben Affleck (or Jennifer Lopez) to make me forget about burritos. About the only thing would be death and since I don't plan on dying any time soon, I will not forget my duty to you, our faithful reader, on this the most wonderful of all days; the first day of BURRITO APPRECIATION MONTH. We look forward to giving you the best in burrito news and reviews from around the globe as we celebrate the greatest culinary invention of all time.

Good burrito eating to you all!

Burritophile

Relationships, Dreams, Burritos, You & Me

I am finally back in Chicago after my slightly misguided plan which sent me in search of the Doritos Locos Taco in Toledo. I finally feel back to my roots in Chicago, which I call Burrito Capitol USA (Rahm Emmanuel take note, the city should be re-named). I am back to my old ways of taking to the burrito, not tacos, and local stands, not chains. This being a the eve of Burrito Appreciation Month, today is a day of deep reflection.

When I think about my relationship with burritos, I need to think of it in terms of how I evaluate all of my other relationships. Some of the most important things are the trials and tribulations you’ve been through, how you’ve helped each other to a higher ground, and your feelings towards each other on a daily basis. While most of the details of my relationship with the burrito are too intimate to share on a publicly read web-site, I would like to take this opportunity to make a bold statement. There was a time in my life when my Cholesterol was high, and there were not many burritos in my diet. Since I now eat many more burritos and have much lower cholesterol, I would like to thank the burrito in part (along with albeit some other not so minor lifestyle changes) for helping me to lower my cholesterol. The American Heart Association may not give you the healthy heart endorsement, but rest assumed this burrito fan does.

With Burrito Appreciation Month starting on Sunday, I will be fasting from burritos until then and have no burrito shop visits to tell you about. With that said, I would like to leave you with an excerpt from a dream I had last night:

“I dreamed it was the month or May. The wonderful spring air swilled across my face, and the smell of the waking world lightened my senses. I was looking up when all of the sudden the stars in the sky were eclipsed by an ether filled with burritos. It was as if the Milky Way had been engulfed in a cloud of burrito bliss. I lowered my vantage point off onto the horizon where I saw beautiful, benign volcanoes spontaneously erupting, emitting a hot red liquid; salsa, spewing from the core of the earth the flavor the heavens and the universe above. As I looked down at my feet, and the lush, green pasteur instantly liquefied into a sea of salsa verde. Due to the specific gravity of the salsa verde, my only way out was for me to drink the entire sea, one delicious drop at a time. As I drank and drank, by body expanded into the shape of the sea, but with each expansion there was no pain, only greater comfort. Once I consumed the entire sea, I burst, and was magically reincarnated into a million tiny burritos pieces, floating away from what was previously my earthly remains. I floated carefree across the universe and into the hands of my creator. When I felt the gentle caress of my creator, I said with my tiny burrito lips “Burritophile is that you” and it responded…..(Alarm – beep – beep – beep - beep).

Isn’t it strange how all dreams end right before the best part of the dream happens?

Haiku Reviews of Burrito Beach and Arturo's

Friends,
Today I review two burrito places; the Burrito Beach at Union Station and Arturo's on Armitage and Western. To express my creative side, these reviews will be written as Haiku poems. Enjoy.

Oh Burrito Beach
Why do you suck so darn much?
Your food made me poo








 
Arturo's is good
I like Carne Asada 
Telemundo, yay!









Only 4 more days until burrito appreciation month! 

Cheers!
Burritophile

Tacos, Toledo, Burritos, Doritos

After learning from the Burritophile that the Doritos Loco Taco was coming to Toledo, I did the only logical thing that I could. I took a short-term work assignment in Toledo so I could have an all expense paid trip to T-Town, which I now connect with tacos and taste. Unless you try, it is difficult to imagine a better place in the world than T-town in April. The way that the grey clouds hang over the rust belt is simply breath taking. The dreary, rainy weather set the only backdrop that I would accept for my tasting of the Doritos taco loco, which I believe is genius.

I have a bit of a spotted history with Taco Bell. If I was to compare it to a work of popular American literature, I would compare it to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The distinguished, upstanding individual, Dr. Jekyll, presents him self in the wonderful, hot food that is placed in front of you. The Evil Mr. Hyde rears his ugly face later, about an hour after t-bell has been in you digestive tract. I not saying that in general you should avoid Taco Bell, however, buyer beware and it is best to set aside a few hours after you eat t-bell if you decide to.

Now, back to the Doritos Taco Loco, it was wonderful. So good in fact, that I am taking a day off of blogging about burritos to blog about this taco. I will say that this is a promotional item; it is very possible that they put a lot more into this than their everyday fare. This was probably the most delightful experience that I have had at Taco Bell in a long time. The meat and vegetable tasted and looked almost real and fresh, and amazingly it was very light on the stomach. I had work to do later on in the evening, and t-bell did not prevent me from achieving my duties. I give this an 8.

I can’t wait to get back to T-Town next week so I can eat more Doritos Loco Tacos!!!

Until next time…..

The Toledo Dorito Burrito

Friends,
After Tommy's thought provoking post about burrito-ism, I sequestered myself for a few days in the dark reaches of my mother's basement. The quiet, solitude, and rat droppings provided a perfect setting for some serious introspection. I was quite moved by Tommy's words. All my life I have been espousing the benefits of burritos but what had I really accomplished? I simply reviewed what others had created. I had never created anything myself. So I broke a window, crawled in quietly so as not to wake my step father, Doug, and considered the world and the place burritos had in it.

And then it hit me like Doug did when I wrecked the Chrysler Cordoba - Doritos! Well there was a lot more to it than that, but I won't bore you with the 16 hours of word associations I used to get to Doritos. Anyway, I thought, "Wow, a whole burrito tortilla made out of nacho cheese Doritos!".  I decided to create my own prototype. Unfortunately, Doug walked in on me as I was running the remaining Doritos through the food processor and I had to high tail it out of there.

Fast forward two weeks....I pick up my daily paper and what do I see. Taco Bell is testing a Nacho Cheese Dorito taco! How fortuitous! Now all I need to do is get to Toledo and see if they are on the right track. I hope Tommy does not get there before me. I'll never live it down.

Burritophile

Jackie Robinson and the Burrito Barrier

April 15 has been designated as “Jackie Robinson Day” by Major League Baseball (MLB). In tribute, all players wear his number 42 which has otherwise been retired by MLB. It was 64 years ago on April 15 1947 that Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in MLB at Ebbets Field. Next to Rosa Parks refusing to give up her bus seat, and Dr. King’s March on Washington & “I have a dream” speech, I think that this event in 1947 may have been one of the single most significant events in the Civil Rights Movement. I can’t imagine the courage, and for lack of a better term, the balls that it took for him to look bigotry and racism right in its ugly face without ever blinking an eye. Despite all of the jeers, name calling, racial slurs, and intentional physical abuse by opposing fans and teams, he was able to perform at a level almost unparalleled in the league during his career. I take my hat off to MLB today for recognizing Jackie Robinson, who I view as a true American hero.

While not nearly as harmful as racism, there is another evil that lurks in this country, cuisineism. I am afraid to tell you my friends that in some parts of this country the burrito is a second class dinning choice. Some will tell you that the burrito is disgusting, others fatty. Some think that burritos are icky, others say they just don’t like the taste. The disdain for burritos is upfront by some, while others are more subtle, trying to favor sushi, or tofu, or salads, or some other flavor of the day crap over a good, wholesome burrito. Even worse, there are people who don’t even know or care about the burrito and its plight. This may seem shocking, but did you know that there are cities, and in some cases entire states, where outside of going to Chipotle or Taco Bell, you cannot even procure a burrito (Minneapolis, New Orleans, and the entire State of Delaware, I am looking in your direction)? People’s priorities are in the wrong place, and things need to change.If Rosa Parks, Jackie Robinson, or Dr. King were on the burrito case, our country would be fixed in no time. Unfortunately, these visionaries are no longer alive, and we need to find a new leader. We need to find the next person who will take the burrito as their cause and put an end to cuisineism. We need to find the next who will make the burrito a first class dinner choice. If MLB was able to break the color barrier, why can’t we break the burrito barrier?

Warm Up #9 - Superburrito Es Muy Bueno!

If you have been paying attention (and I’m guessing most of you have been reading our site daily and have been deeply tuned in), I am skipping a few warm-ups on the blog. There are two main reasons. First of all, it gets boring to continue writing about practice. Secondly, the Burritophile is back on the loose and I want to keep a low profile so he can’t find me. I have heard rumors that during his incarceration, the Burritophile has taken a turn to the dark side. While I am not worried about my own personal safety, I am very worried about the safety of my burritos. I have heard he has started doing very vile things to them (picture the American Pie movie, but substitute the cherry pie with a burrito). While I have no way of confirming whether these rumors are true, I have notified PETB (People for the ethical treatment of burritos) and I am sure they will have a nice long talk with him.

For my warm-up #9, I went to La Pasidita (1141 N. Ashland, Ukrainian Village). This place has a bit of a bizarre set-up as at one site they have three different locations (The previous sentence is likely as confusing as their set-up). There are two La Pasidita locations right next to each other on the west side of Ashland, and a third right across the street on the east side (not to be confused with a 4th, La Pasada, which is in the same block just south of La Pasadita on the west side of Ashland). I have provided the address they give on their web-site, and could not even tell you the address of the one I actually procured my burrito. The other peculiar item about this restaurant is the hours. They close at 3AM on Saturdays, which is the exact time that the non-late night bars close in Chicago. Fortunately for me, I got in there a little before 3, so I was OK (though I was told I had to take my burrito to go…not sure if that is related to the 3AM closing or the fact that they didn’t like me). Anyways, there were literally droves of people (no exaggeration at least 50 people) that they ended up turning away. This is the sign of a great burrito and a poorly executed business plan.

I ordered the Carne Asada Super Burrito. At first I thought it egotistical and maybe even a bit eccentric to name something the “Super Burrito”. After all, aren’t all burritos super in nature? What was so special about this one? I quit my moronic rant after I took my first bite into the burrito. Holy sh*t, this thing was awesome! Carne Asada, cheese, beans, cilantro, sour cream, and guac all placed in a wonderful burrito shell. At $8.50, this was a bit pricey, but it was worth every penny (especially since I didn't pay anything, it was bought for me), and the portion was huge. I was unable to finish my burrito Saturday night but it passed the test of time and still tasted great when I enjoyed the remainder of the burrito on Sunday. Easily 9 out of 10, well deserved! If they can consolidate into 1 location and stay open past 3, they have a chance in the Chicago Burrito Bowl championship! Bueno!

Until Next Time...

Warm-up #4 - El Burrito Mexicano

Friends of burritos,
Well God bless early release for good behavior. I'm out on the streets and ready to stalk....some burritos! As is my custom, whenever I am let out of jail (regardless of which state I happen to be incarcerated) I head back to Chicago and eat a burrito. It's a long standing tradition in my family going all the way back to my great grandfather, Ed Burritophile. He did a three year stretch at San Quentin for murdering a man during a game of backgammon (it was self defense) and upon release he hitchhiked all the way to Chicago and ate a burrito. They were called meat wrapped dough pies in those days of course and were usually purchased out of the back of a flat bed truck. He soon after died of dysentery but not before visiting my great grandmother at her brothel. Anyway, back to present day....

I went to watch the Cubs play the Diamondbacks at Wrigley Field last Wednesday. The Cubs lost. I like it when the Cubs lose because they are anti-burrito. Don't ask me how I know that. Let's just say I have some inside sources that have heard the Ricketts family talk disparagingly about burritos. Can't we all just get along? So after reveling in a Diamondbacks victory I waddled over to a burrito purveyor on Addison right next to the Red Line. El Burrito Mexicano is a nondescript place but they serve one heckuva a burrito. I got mine with steak, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onion. At least I think that's what I ordered. I was really drunk. One of my other traditions after leaving jail is to get really hammered (another one passed down from Great Grandpa Ed. This probably explains why he ended up with my great grandmother. I've seen pictures. Yikes!) so I may have ordered a taquito for all I know.  But I'm pretty sure I ordered a burrito based on my burps later on that night. Considering the burps were all delicious, the burrito must have been as well. And as all burrito aficionados know, burrito burps are like "legs" on a glass of wine. So based on my burps, I must give this burrito an 8. Perhaps I will go back when sober and see if this is really the case but for now I trust my tummy gas.

Until next time....

Burritophile

Warm-up #3 - Fiesta Mexicana

If practice makes perfect, then I will most certainly be perfect at enjoying Burritos in the month of May. In all honesty, I have no idea how perfection is measured in the field of burrito appreciation. I could probably put together a spreadsheet to calculate it, but this might be a problem for that is way too complex for me, maybe a task for NASSA to undertake. With space funding down, I’m sure that they boys at NASSA will have a little spare time on their hands to put together an Algorithm to quantitively measure the enjoyment of one of our most important natural resources, the burrito. The algorithm, or burritorithm, will be the next thing sweeping the solar system.

For my third warm-up, I went to Fiesta Mexicana (4806 N. Broadway, Uptown). I gotta be honest, this place has a lot of pastel. The pastel décor is a little overwhelming and very distracting. It is a hue of pastel that I do not believe really exists in Mexico. It is almost as if the decorator was asked to decorate the place how he or she thought Mexico might appear, without ever having really been to there. I am a man of substance over appearance, taste over aesthetics, but sometimes an overrunning of the senses occurs. While I was not undergoing a psychedelic blending of the senses where you can hear a taste or see a sound, the sight of pastel did distract from the overall taste and enjoyment of my burrito.

The burrito itself was definitely above average. I felt like I just returned to a venue of major league burritos. In observation of a lent Friday, I ordered a carne asada burrito. Good meat, solid toppings, and they made the burrito as they saw fit, so the customer is not responsible for walking the maker topping by topping through what they would like on their burrito. If I was ordering to go, I could probably give this a 7.5, but due to the decoration of the place, the dine-in experience gets a 6.5. Someday, maybe if they fire the Easter bunny and find a true Mexican decorator, this place can improve.

Until next time…..

Warm Up #2

As I start this post, I should clarify that it has nothing to do with taking a #2, or the "warming" effects that a burrito can have on a #2, but rather is just the second in a series of Warm-ups.

Today I took a departure from my typical burrito shack routine and decided to try a different type of venue. I went to the cafeteria in the basement of the Chase Tower in Chicago (10S. Dearborn, loop) which I later learned is named Plaza Market Bistro.

Plaza Market Bistro is a great place to go when you are with a group of people that can’t decide on what they want. The cafeteria offers a cornucopia of styles and ethnicities of food. Everything is represented, Asian, Mediterranean, Italian, Stir Fry, Traditional American, New York Deli, etc… While variety may be the spice of life for some, I was able to quickly hunker down to the only thing that mattered to me, the Mexican Stand.

It appeared that the burrito choices were some sort of beef, chicken, and chorizo. When in doubt, I always say ‘go pig’, so chorizo it was. The burrito initially comes with chorizo and shredded cheese that is placed on the soft shell and is warmed on a skillet, toasting the shell and melting the cheese. Once properly toasted, there are a variety of toppings available. I went for cilantro, jalapenos, black olives, sour cream, and rojo and verde salsas. Normally, I am a much bigger fan of burrito places that exude confidence and just make the burritos as they will, instead of using what I call the ‘Subway Style’ where you need to point out what toppings you would like. In this instance, however, the ‘Subway Style’ was welcoming because my direction kept lettuce and a very sickly looking sweet pepper off my burrito.

The burrito was light on the stomach and had a nice flavor to it. The Chrizo was well seasoned, but did not have that overpowering, give you heart burn quality that is often encountered. The toppings nicely complemented the meat and cheese, but in retrospect, of course they should have, I picked them out myself.

Overall, this establishment provided me an enjoyable burrito experience. Being the multi-ethnic cafeteria style place it was, though, I feel that it lacked the integrity that could make it a true power hitter or go to burrito place. To summarize, it was a perfect venue for a warm up during the preseason/spring training, but it would NOT cut it once the real season (May) is here. I’ll give it 5 out of 10.

Until Next Time…..

Looking Foreward to a Freedom Burrito

Friends,

Good tidings to you all from the confines of the Suffolk County Jail! Needless to say its been an interesting 10 months for me. Who knew there was fine print on a restraining order? But rest assured loyal readers, I will be out on the streets and eating burritos come May 1. I look forward to conversing with you soon.

Inmate 946578,
Burritophile

p.s. if anyone has the latest SI Swimsuit issue, could you send it to me C/O Suffolk County Jail? I believe I can trade it for some much needed toiletry items. Thanks!

Time for March Burrito Warm-up

Last Monday, March 21, marked the first full day of spring. With the passing of the Vernal Equinox, we are reminded that Burrito Appreciation Month is quickly approaching.

As the northern latitudes awake from their winter coma, there are many tasks that must be undertaken to properly prepare ourselves for the sunlight, warmth, and longer days that are forthcoming. Spring cleaning, removing snow tires, tuning up outdoor equipment, and unpacking the golf clubs are all examples of how we make ourselves ready for the spring. While these tasks are very important, I ask you not to forget what is possibly the most important of all spring rituals, having the first Spring Burrito!

Today I had my first Spring Burrito at LaConia (45N Wells, Loop). The steak burrito squizo was wonderful; I, however, was not. My lack burrito shape can be currently witnessed in the form or a huge stain on my dress shirt. After a winter in hibernation, it is almost like I forgot how to eat a burrito. SHAME ON ME! I must now pay the price for my lack of shape by wearing this stain around work for the rest of the day. It's OK, though, I'll just call it my little "grease colored badge of courage".

Just like you probably wouldn't go to the beach without going to the gym at least once, don't go into burrito appreciation month without at least a few warm-up burritos. Personally, I wouldn't recommend going to the gym or the beach without first having a burrito either.

Until next time....

We are only 72 Days Away....

...that is 72 days, or 648 hours, or 38,880 minutes, or 2,332,000 I mean 2,331,999, wait 2,331,998, no 2,331,997 seconds away from Sunday May 1, on which the most glorious Burrito Appreciation Month to date will commence. Stay posted!