The Chihuahua Burrito

Thank God the Burritophile is back! I have removed myself from seclusion where I sat in solitary darkness 23 hours a day* worrying about the BP and preparing myself for the worst. Finally, I can get back to what I do best, eating and writing about burritos.


For my final warm-up of the season, I stopped by the Jefferson Tap for a Chihuahua Burrito. Given the name, I was a bit skeptical at first. The last time I was offered a Chihuahua Burrito was in Cambodia, and needless to say, I declined, given the implications (OK undeniable facts) of what type of meat this burrito was made of. Putting my faith in the Jefferson Tap bar manager and City of Chicago sanitary and health codes, I decided to roll the dice on this offering.

The way it was explained to me, this burrito was made out of the left over beef from the stews. It was cooked further and given additional seasoning to create a delicious meat filling… I’d have to say well done. This burrito was massive. It was tasty offering of meat, beans, and an assortment of veggies wrapped in a large flour tortilla topped with cheese and served with a side of guacamole and salsa verde (with a little zip).

If you are looking for a delicious lunch and you find yourself downtown or near the west loop, I’d say give it a go. Although it was good, I do have a few suggestions for the Jefferson Tap that may improve the experience:

1. If the Jefferson Tap is serious about Mexican food, they should change their name to El Jefferson Cantina and hire a daytime manager named Pepe.

2. The burrito should come with an obligatory 14 beer desert. Let’s face it, burritos are more fun this way!

3. It is a little pricy compared to the $5 burritos I am used to. How about a Burrito Appreciation discount?

Next time you hear from me, it will be May!

*I am unable to mention on this site what I did with my other hour of the day, let’s just say Charlie Sheen

I'm Back

Fear not! I am alive and well and ready for Burrito Appreciation Month!

Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV, I decided to seclude myself in the far reaches of the world to prepare myself for this year's celebration. Let me bring you up to speed....

Rocky Balboa eats burritos too.

The last few Burrito Appreciation Months (BAM), I have come of the gates fast consuming burritos at a rate not seen by human eyes since the Great Burrito Binge of 1903. I ate steak, I ate pork, I ate bean....I ate them all each and every day. I thought "I can keep this up all month long!" But no mortal can do such things while running on the daily regimen I partook in leading up to BAM. I wasn't exercising. I was smoking my hookah daily. I was drinking enough Peach Coolies to make you blush. How in the world does that prepare one for a month of burrito eating? Let me tell you...it doesn't!

So this year I decided to change my routine to be able to withstand the month long rigors that accompany eating burritos day in and day out for a month.

First off, I had a heart to heart with Ted, my colon. He is as persnickety as ever! But like a bitter elderly couple that is too tired and/or lazy to find another mate for coitus,  he and I realized that neither of us is going anywhere.  So decided to compromise. 11 months of the year, I will feast on "Ted friendly" cuisine - cous cous, hummus, endives, and green pepper. This seems like a fairly limited diet, but the flip side is that in May I can have as many burritos as I want! I think I came out ahead on this deal (psst! Don't tell Ted! That little rapscallion might welch!).

Once Ted and I had things sorted out, I needed to begin a training program that called for my metabolism to be at it's peak during the month of May. So I hired a personal trainer named Toots McGaffigan. Toots is a former champion female alligator wrestler (by that I mean, Toots is a female not that she was wrestling female alligators. That would be mean.) and well schooled in how to optimize one's resting metabolic rate. Twelve months she pushed me. She pushed me harder than I have ever been pushed.  I did pushups, push downs, push asides. I squatted, I pressed, I hung, I curled, I cleaned, and I jerked (all in that order....that was a very important part of the training program). And now I am in the best shape of my life.

I am strong physically, but more importantly I am strong mentally! I read the works of the great Yogies in Tibet, Nepal, Indonesia, and Jellystone. I became one with the universe. I tapped into my inner Ch'i. I followed the path to eternal bliss. I made amends with my animal spirit and I discovered the meaning of life. Jealous? You should be. The meaning of life is pretty cool.

All of this has prepared me for tomorrow...Day 1 of Burrito Appreciation Month 2012.

Namaste,
Burritophile

APB for the BP

Hey all...getting a little scared...Anyone heard from the Burritophile, anyone???

In the burrito off-season, he has been known to get himself in trouble.  Need I tell you about his incarceration last year?  Sadly, since June 5, 2011, I haven't seen or heard from the man.  Is it possible that his colon, Ted, got the best of him?  Is it possible that after his criticism of the Ricketts family, that they have placed a bounty on his head?  Is it possible that he finally successfully met a nice co-ed that he lured back to his abode despite the sub-par decor (OK - obviously joking about that last one). 

I am sick with worry.  While the Burritophile is a wise old veteran who often blows off the burrito off-season, this level of non-contact is very upsetting.   I think like everyone else, I am hoping that he has just been in a drunken stupor for the last 11 months and will find us again soon.

Signed,

Very Concerned

National Endowment for Burritos (NEB)

A couple weekends ago I went to go see a performance art piece that had a central theme focused on the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA).  In all honesty, I have to admit that it was not a topic that I knew much about, so I did some research.   I was pleasantly surprised to learn that in 1965 our country set up an independent government agency to support artists and art organizations.  Art is the cornerstone of any civilized culture, and I feel that the NEA’s plight is very noble.  My only question to the feds is “are we possibly missing out on having an endowment on something more important than art?”  That endowment, of course, would be the National Endowment for burritos (NEB).

Like any politically involved person, I chose to write my local congressman and senator regarding this issue.  Burrito Appreciation, being a cottage industry, may not have the political clout that big oil and pharmaceuticals possesses; nevertheless, I figured that my elected officials must receive hundreds if not thousands of letters every day addressing burrito related topics.  Wanting to make my writing stand out, I tried to make as concise and convincing argument as possible.  I drew from four of my previous posts, “Jackie Robinson and the Burrito Barrier”, “Relationships, Dreams, burritos, You and Me”, Reefer and Burritos”, and “Earthday Burritos” and tried to outline the following points:

1. Without a NEB, the rate of immigration from south of the border could decline.  This could cripple our economy and reduce the options for delicious burritos in our country
2. Burritos are a healthy choice.  With a NEB, our country could save billions if not hundreds in health care premiums.
3. Burritos decrease crime.  They preoccupy criminal deviants, and leave them with less free time to commit their heinous activities.
4. Burritos are good for the environment, especially when eaten off reusable plate in dimly lit, poorly heated venues.

I’ll let you know when I hear back from Dan Lipinski and Mike Quigley.  Until then, I have plenty of letters to write, and so should you.

Earthday Burritos

Burritos are the most environmentally friendly food in the world, this is a fact. Much like religion, there is no scientific proof of this, so you will just have to believe me. In fact, there is evidence pointing otherwise, but I tell you, this is all heresy. March on soldier, march on!

In order to not seem totally devoid of any logic or common sense, though, I will take on some of the main criticisms of the environmental soundness of the burrito:

Concern: Anything that uses meat or other items on the top of the food pyramid does not represent an efficient use of land.

Response: Did the researchers take the time to notice that if you remove the top of the food pyramid, you would not have a pyramid at all? Rather, you would have a flat top structure that looks much more like a food trapezoid from the side (elevation) view. Mr. Scientist, I believe that your grant was to study the food PYRAMID, not the food TRAPEZOID. There, that’s what I thought! Boom, smack, pow, you’ve been served. Any response….I didn’t think so.

Concern: Unless the veggies are organic, the growth agents and pesticides used to cultivate crops are not environmentally sound.

Response: Did anyone take the time to consider the rights of pesticides and growth agents? They have feelings too. I think it is a little short sighted that these aren’t given any consideration. How about a more balanced approach to your views…com’on!

Concern: Wax paper and foils used to wrap burritos are not biodegradable or reusable.

Response: OK, this one is valid. I would like to tweak my stance a little and offer this – burritos eaten in said burrito place placed on a reusable plate and eaten with your hands are the most environmentally friendly food. This value goes up in spades when said burrito place is poorly lit and does not use traditionally acceptable levels of cooling or heating. Some people may call these places ghetto, but I call them green, just like tasty salsa verde.

Do the earth a favor, have a burrito today!

Burritos & Reefer

April 20th (4/20) is the pot smokers national holiday. I won’t post why, but if you really want to know the reasons for this, I recommend asking one of your stoner friends. Then, after getting a rambling and drawn out half coherent response, you can google it (or yahoo it*) and find out the real reason.

Personally, I pass on grass. This is a steadfast rule. Fortunately, there are probably enough exceptions to the rule to prove this rule 100% true, most of the time. While I am not a smoker, it is undeniable to realize the link between reefer and burritos.

For all of you stoners who read this site**, I have put together some suggestions that you may want to take to integrate burritos with your big day:

10.Roll a joint that looks alike a burrito
9. Use your steamroller as a burrito holder
8. Use your burrito as a steamroller
7. Bake yourself a space burrito
6. Bake a space burrito for your friend or spouse and don’t tell them until after they eat it
5. Bake your boss a space burrito and earn and afternoon (or longer) off work
4. Instead of smoking that medical grade dank, try smoking some Mexican swag (OK not recommended)
3. After toking, write some love songs about burritos
2. Figure out a way to use a burrito as a gravity bong (advanced)
1. Purchase your product in a neighborhood full of burrito joints

OR Continue to get high (as you normally do) and get a burrito when you get the munchies (as you normally do).

You can thank me for these wonderful recommendations with the payment of a juicy and tasty burrito!

* That one was for you Morzer
** I am assuming that about 95% are stoners. I mean why else would you read a website devoted to burritos!

Get Ready...Only 25 Days and Counting...

It has been a different type of winter in the Upper Midwest this year. February has felt like April, March like June, and St. Patrick’s Day felt like the Fourth of July. With Ivy on the wall at Wrigley for the opener today, it appears that it is Mother Nature’s appointed duty to completely confuse us as to where we live and what time of year it is. I (out of all people) am here to give you a dose of reality: We’re in Chicago, It is April 5, and Burrito Appreciation Month is Only 25 Days Away!!!

This is your wake up call MF’ers…it is time to get ready!!! The season of burrito hard knocks is only a little over three weeks away! It is time to get in shape, get ready, and starting munching on burritos. I don’t want anyone to get caught by surprise; injured by the whiplash of being unexpectedly nailed by Burrito Appreciation Month. Getting ready for burrito appreciation month will mean different things to different people. For the healthy eater, this means re-introducing the steak burrito into your diet. For the diabetics, it means getting extra insulin injections. For the vain (you know who you are), it means getting those hot bikini and bathing suit profile pictures done now, because come June 1st, there will be nothing left of you but a bloated burrito mess! For those who eat burritos year round, carry on comrades, carry on!

Don’t let me catch you without a burrito in your mouth!