Relationships, Dreams, Burritos, You & Me

I am finally back in Chicago after my slightly misguided plan which sent me in search of the Doritos Locos Taco in Toledo. I finally feel back to my roots in Chicago, which I call Burrito Capitol USA (Rahm Emmanuel take note, the city should be re-named). I am back to my old ways of taking to the burrito, not tacos, and local stands, not chains. This being a the eve of Burrito Appreciation Month, today is a day of deep reflection.

When I think about my relationship with burritos, I need to think of it in terms of how I evaluate all of my other relationships. Some of the most important things are the trials and tribulations you’ve been through, how you’ve helped each other to a higher ground, and your feelings towards each other on a daily basis. While most of the details of my relationship with the burrito are too intimate to share on a publicly read web-site, I would like to take this opportunity to make a bold statement. There was a time in my life when my Cholesterol was high, and there were not many burritos in my diet. Since I now eat many more burritos and have much lower cholesterol, I would like to thank the burrito in part (along with albeit some other not so minor lifestyle changes) for helping me to lower my cholesterol. The American Heart Association may not give you the healthy heart endorsement, but rest assumed this burrito fan does.

With Burrito Appreciation Month starting on Sunday, I will be fasting from burritos until then and have no burrito shop visits to tell you about. With that said, I would like to leave you with an excerpt from a dream I had last night:

“I dreamed it was the month or May. The wonderful spring air swilled across my face, and the smell of the waking world lightened my senses. I was looking up when all of the sudden the stars in the sky were eclipsed by an ether filled with burritos. It was as if the Milky Way had been engulfed in a cloud of burrito bliss. I lowered my vantage point off onto the horizon where I saw beautiful, benign volcanoes spontaneously erupting, emitting a hot red liquid; salsa, spewing from the core of the earth the flavor the heavens and the universe above. As I looked down at my feet, and the lush, green pasteur instantly liquefied into a sea of salsa verde. Due to the specific gravity of the salsa verde, my only way out was for me to drink the entire sea, one delicious drop at a time. As I drank and drank, by body expanded into the shape of the sea, but with each expansion there was no pain, only greater comfort. Once I consumed the entire sea, I burst, and was magically reincarnated into a million tiny burritos pieces, floating away from what was previously my earthly remains. I floated carefree across the universe and into the hands of my creator. When I felt the gentle caress of my creator, I said with my tiny burrito lips “Burritophile is that you” and it responded…..(Alarm – beep – beep – beep - beep).

Isn’t it strange how all dreams end right before the best part of the dream happens?

Haiku Reviews of Burrito Beach and Arturo's

Friends,
Today I review two burrito places; the Burrito Beach at Union Station and Arturo's on Armitage and Western. To express my creative side, these reviews will be written as Haiku poems. Enjoy.

Oh Burrito Beach
Why do you suck so darn much?
Your food made me poo








 
Arturo's is good
I like Carne Asada 
Telemundo, yay!









Only 4 more days until burrito appreciation month! 

Cheers!
Burritophile

Tacos, Toledo, Burritos, Doritos

After learning from the Burritophile that the Doritos Loco Taco was coming to Toledo, I did the only logical thing that I could. I took a short-term work assignment in Toledo so I could have an all expense paid trip to T-Town, which I now connect with tacos and taste. Unless you try, it is difficult to imagine a better place in the world than T-town in April. The way that the grey clouds hang over the rust belt is simply breath taking. The dreary, rainy weather set the only backdrop that I would accept for my tasting of the Doritos taco loco, which I believe is genius.

I have a bit of a spotted history with Taco Bell. If I was to compare it to a work of popular American literature, I would compare it to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The distinguished, upstanding individual, Dr. Jekyll, presents him self in the wonderful, hot food that is placed in front of you. The Evil Mr. Hyde rears his ugly face later, about an hour after t-bell has been in you digestive tract. I not saying that in general you should avoid Taco Bell, however, buyer beware and it is best to set aside a few hours after you eat t-bell if you decide to.

Now, back to the Doritos Taco Loco, it was wonderful. So good in fact, that I am taking a day off of blogging about burritos to blog about this taco. I will say that this is a promotional item; it is very possible that they put a lot more into this than their everyday fare. This was probably the most delightful experience that I have had at Taco Bell in a long time. The meat and vegetable tasted and looked almost real and fresh, and amazingly it was very light on the stomach. I had work to do later on in the evening, and t-bell did not prevent me from achieving my duties. I give this an 8.

I can’t wait to get back to T-Town next week so I can eat more Doritos Loco Tacos!!!

Until next time…..

The Toledo Dorito Burrito

Friends,
After Tommy's thought provoking post about burrito-ism, I sequestered myself for a few days in the dark reaches of my mother's basement. The quiet, solitude, and rat droppings provided a perfect setting for some serious introspection. I was quite moved by Tommy's words. All my life I have been espousing the benefits of burritos but what had I really accomplished? I simply reviewed what others had created. I had never created anything myself. So I broke a window, crawled in quietly so as not to wake my step father, Doug, and considered the world and the place burritos had in it.

And then it hit me like Doug did when I wrecked the Chrysler Cordoba - Doritos! Well there was a lot more to it than that, but I won't bore you with the 16 hours of word associations I used to get to Doritos. Anyway, I thought, "Wow, a whole burrito tortilla made out of nacho cheese Doritos!".  I decided to create my own prototype. Unfortunately, Doug walked in on me as I was running the remaining Doritos through the food processor and I had to high tail it out of there.

Fast forward two weeks....I pick up my daily paper and what do I see. Taco Bell is testing a Nacho Cheese Dorito taco! How fortuitous! Now all I need to do is get to Toledo and see if they are on the right track. I hope Tommy does not get there before me. I'll never live it down.

Burritophile

Jackie Robinson and the Burrito Barrier

April 15 has been designated as “Jackie Robinson Day” by Major League Baseball (MLB). In tribute, all players wear his number 42 which has otherwise been retired by MLB. It was 64 years ago on April 15 1947 that Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in MLB at Ebbets Field. Next to Rosa Parks refusing to give up her bus seat, and Dr. King’s March on Washington & “I have a dream” speech, I think that this event in 1947 may have been one of the single most significant events in the Civil Rights Movement. I can’t imagine the courage, and for lack of a better term, the balls that it took for him to look bigotry and racism right in its ugly face without ever blinking an eye. Despite all of the jeers, name calling, racial slurs, and intentional physical abuse by opposing fans and teams, he was able to perform at a level almost unparalleled in the league during his career. I take my hat off to MLB today for recognizing Jackie Robinson, who I view as a true American hero.

While not nearly as harmful as racism, there is another evil that lurks in this country, cuisineism. I am afraid to tell you my friends that in some parts of this country the burrito is a second class dinning choice. Some will tell you that the burrito is disgusting, others fatty. Some think that burritos are icky, others say they just don’t like the taste. The disdain for burritos is upfront by some, while others are more subtle, trying to favor sushi, or tofu, or salads, or some other flavor of the day crap over a good, wholesome burrito. Even worse, there are people who don’t even know or care about the burrito and its plight. This may seem shocking, but did you know that there are cities, and in some cases entire states, where outside of going to Chipotle or Taco Bell, you cannot even procure a burrito (Minneapolis, New Orleans, and the entire State of Delaware, I am looking in your direction)? People’s priorities are in the wrong place, and things need to change.If Rosa Parks, Jackie Robinson, or Dr. King were on the burrito case, our country would be fixed in no time. Unfortunately, these visionaries are no longer alive, and we need to find a new leader. We need to find the next person who will take the burrito as their cause and put an end to cuisineism. We need to find the next who will make the burrito a first class dinner choice. If MLB was able to break the color barrier, why can’t we break the burrito barrier?

Warm Up #9 - Superburrito Es Muy Bueno!

If you have been paying attention (and I’m guessing most of you have been reading our site daily and have been deeply tuned in), I am skipping a few warm-ups on the blog. There are two main reasons. First of all, it gets boring to continue writing about practice. Secondly, the Burritophile is back on the loose and I want to keep a low profile so he can’t find me. I have heard rumors that during his incarceration, the Burritophile has taken a turn to the dark side. While I am not worried about my own personal safety, I am very worried about the safety of my burritos. I have heard he has started doing very vile things to them (picture the American Pie movie, but substitute the cherry pie with a burrito). While I have no way of confirming whether these rumors are true, I have notified PETB (People for the ethical treatment of burritos) and I am sure they will have a nice long talk with him.

For my warm-up #9, I went to La Pasidita (1141 N. Ashland, Ukrainian Village). This place has a bit of a bizarre set-up as at one site they have three different locations (The previous sentence is likely as confusing as their set-up). There are two La Pasidita locations right next to each other on the west side of Ashland, and a third right across the street on the east side (not to be confused with a 4th, La Pasada, which is in the same block just south of La Pasadita on the west side of Ashland). I have provided the address they give on their web-site, and could not even tell you the address of the one I actually procured my burrito. The other peculiar item about this restaurant is the hours. They close at 3AM on Saturdays, which is the exact time that the non-late night bars close in Chicago. Fortunately for me, I got in there a little before 3, so I was OK (though I was told I had to take my burrito to go…not sure if that is related to the 3AM closing or the fact that they didn’t like me). Anyways, there were literally droves of people (no exaggeration at least 50 people) that they ended up turning away. This is the sign of a great burrito and a poorly executed business plan.

I ordered the Carne Asada Super Burrito. At first I thought it egotistical and maybe even a bit eccentric to name something the “Super Burrito”. After all, aren’t all burritos super in nature? What was so special about this one? I quit my moronic rant after I took my first bite into the burrito. Holy sh*t, this thing was awesome! Carne Asada, cheese, beans, cilantro, sour cream, and guac all placed in a wonderful burrito shell. At $8.50, this was a bit pricey, but it was worth every penny (especially since I didn't pay anything, it was bought for me), and the portion was huge. I was unable to finish my burrito Saturday night but it passed the test of time and still tasted great when I enjoyed the remainder of the burrito on Sunday. Easily 9 out of 10, well deserved! If they can consolidate into 1 location and stay open past 3, they have a chance in the Chicago Burrito Bowl championship! Bueno!

Until Next Time...

Warm-up #4 - El Burrito Mexicano

Friends of burritos,
Well God bless early release for good behavior. I'm out on the streets and ready to stalk....some burritos! As is my custom, whenever I am let out of jail (regardless of which state I happen to be incarcerated) I head back to Chicago and eat a burrito. It's a long standing tradition in my family going all the way back to my great grandfather, Ed Burritophile. He did a three year stretch at San Quentin for murdering a man during a game of backgammon (it was self defense) and upon release he hitchhiked all the way to Chicago and ate a burrito. They were called meat wrapped dough pies in those days of course and were usually purchased out of the back of a flat bed truck. He soon after died of dysentery but not before visiting my great grandmother at her brothel. Anyway, back to present day....

I went to watch the Cubs play the Diamondbacks at Wrigley Field last Wednesday. The Cubs lost. I like it when the Cubs lose because they are anti-burrito. Don't ask me how I know that. Let's just say I have some inside sources that have heard the Ricketts family talk disparagingly about burritos. Can't we all just get along? So after reveling in a Diamondbacks victory I waddled over to a burrito purveyor on Addison right next to the Red Line. El Burrito Mexicano is a nondescript place but they serve one heckuva a burrito. I got mine with steak, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onion. At least I think that's what I ordered. I was really drunk. One of my other traditions after leaving jail is to get really hammered (another one passed down from Great Grandpa Ed. This probably explains why he ended up with my great grandmother. I've seen pictures. Yikes!) so I may have ordered a taquito for all I know.  But I'm pretty sure I ordered a burrito based on my burps later on that night. Considering the burps were all delicious, the burrito must have been as well. And as all burrito aficionados know, burrito burps are like "legs" on a glass of wine. So based on my burps, I must give this burrito an 8. Perhaps I will go back when sober and see if this is really the case but for now I trust my tummy gas.

Until next time....

Burritophile

Warm-up #3 - Fiesta Mexicana

If practice makes perfect, then I will most certainly be perfect at enjoying Burritos in the month of May. In all honesty, I have no idea how perfection is measured in the field of burrito appreciation. I could probably put together a spreadsheet to calculate it, but this might be a problem for that is way too complex for me, maybe a task for NASSA to undertake. With space funding down, I’m sure that they boys at NASSA will have a little spare time on their hands to put together an Algorithm to quantitively measure the enjoyment of one of our most important natural resources, the burrito. The algorithm, or burritorithm, will be the next thing sweeping the solar system.

For my third warm-up, I went to Fiesta Mexicana (4806 N. Broadway, Uptown). I gotta be honest, this place has a lot of pastel. The pastel décor is a little overwhelming and very distracting. It is a hue of pastel that I do not believe really exists in Mexico. It is almost as if the decorator was asked to decorate the place how he or she thought Mexico might appear, without ever having really been to there. I am a man of substance over appearance, taste over aesthetics, but sometimes an overrunning of the senses occurs. While I was not undergoing a psychedelic blending of the senses where you can hear a taste or see a sound, the sight of pastel did distract from the overall taste and enjoyment of my burrito.

The burrito itself was definitely above average. I felt like I just returned to a venue of major league burritos. In observation of a lent Friday, I ordered a carne asada burrito. Good meat, solid toppings, and they made the burrito as they saw fit, so the customer is not responsible for walking the maker topping by topping through what they would like on their burrito. If I was ordering to go, I could probably give this a 7.5, but due to the decoration of the place, the dine-in experience gets a 6.5. Someday, maybe if they fire the Easter bunny and find a true Mexican decorator, this place can improve.

Until next time…..