In posts gone by, I have regaled you with tales of my colon, Ted. He's a rascally little guy full of mischief and deceit. He sometimes takes umbrage to my burrito eating ways. His revenge is not immediate, however. Ted is much too maniacal to act on impulse. He will wait...sometimes for hours or days on end before having his vengeance.
Today was that day....
Rewind to yesterday. I chose to partake in a burrito from Allende. It's located on Lincoln and Fullerton near the DePaul campus. I had heard good things about Allende from the co-eds I try to woo back to my tastefully decorated condo. They all gave glowing reviews. Personally, I found the burrito sort of average. It wasn't bad by any means, but it wasn't great either. Sort of bland. Allende gets points for having tasty hot sauce though (even though it really wasn't all that hot). All in all I have to give this burrito joint a 6. Those co-eds have under-evolved taste buds apparently.
Allende is located on the southern end of Chicago's "burrito district". A completely made up area roughly bordered by Fullerton on the south, Diversey on the north, Lincoln on the west, and Halsted on the east. Entering the burrito district is not for the faint of heart. It's for brave souls willing to engage in a little danger. Not unlike the Captain Willard character in Apocalypse Now. Ted doesn't like it when I enter the burrito district. He knows bad things reside there. Ted is very much like Captain Willard. And today, I was very much like Colonel Kurtz.
I was riding the bus this morning from my tastefully decorated condo to my meditation lab in downtown Chicago. As is my custom, I sit next to a pretty girl even if there are other seats available. This has never worked for me but I figure all I need is for it to work once.....or twice. At one of the early stops, another girl got on and sat on the other side of me! This has never happened to me before. I began rehearsing my opening lines hopeful for a three way (you never know unless you ask, right?). And just as I was about to open my mouth, Ted appeared.
At first I thought it was just the bus going over a bump in the road. I shook it off and tried to speak again, but this time Ted roared more loudly. I began to sweat. I sat back in my seat and tried to breath. He roared again, more loudly this time. No one heard but me but I knew what was coming. The end was near. My mind began to race. I began to recite T.S. Eliot. "..shape without form. Shape without color." I was going mad.
I began to talk to Ted: "Are you a silent assassin, Ted?" He did not respond. I grew agitated, angry. I lashed out at him, "You're an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill." He rumbled loudly at this point. I knew my time had come.
I pushed my butt as far down into my seat as it would go. I considered standing but that would only put my rear at nose level. I considered a prayer but before I could decide on an appropriate religious incantation, Ted struck. He was indeed a silent assassin. I sat frozen with fear as the gas seeped from my body. I hoped it would not smell but that hope was quickly proven false. The smell was horrific. It not only cleared out the two girls seated next to me, but the entire back of the bus. Even the Turkish guy who probably never showers was offended. I sat alone wallowing in my own stink. The day was Ted's. He destroyed my very soul.
The horror.
The horror.
The horror.
Just wait until this weekend, Ted. I'm eating Ethiopian food you son of a bitch.
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