On this Siete de Mayo, one of the highest and holiest of all burrito days, I have to share a very sad and cautionary tale. There is an evil that lurks in this city. It's main purpose is to degrade, defame, and defile the scantity of the burrito. This poisonous venom goes by the name Flash Taco.
I was first introducted to Flash Taco, who we will refer to as the devil, on a clear and dusty day in June of 2006. It was the type of day where the birds were chirping and you could do no wrong. I light dust lifted from a sidewalk reconstruction project at the corner of North and Damen right in front of the devil. I had just moved to bucktown a month previous and after a day of moderate day drinking, I entered the devil's door . I was getting ready to be wisked away by enlightning burrito bliss, but such satisfaction was not meant to be. I placed an order for an Al Pastor Burrito, which if done right is the king of all burritos. I can't tell you how sad I was when I got home and realized that I had been suckered as the burrito I was holding in my hand was nothing more than dehydrated animal grissle.
Fast forward two months to the Lollapalooza Music Festival. I had friends in town from California and it was a beautiful Friday evening. After seeing my favorite band, Ween, my friends and I had worked up a bit of an appetite. Once again things were going great and I was on a real high, both from the natural euphoria the festival brought and the drugs I had taken. After leaving the fest we had taken the blue line el train which dropped us off right in front of the devil. There was a line coming out of the devil and I thought to myself "I must be crazy, this can't be that bad?"...WRONG. The burritos that we had were so awful that they stopped me and my intoxicated friends in our tracks. I had to appologize to my friends repeatedly for the next few years for that piss poor burrito experience. In fact I heard my friend from the Bay area mutter the words "Chicago certainly isn't a burrito town".....Appologizing for burritos? Chicago's not a burrito town? WTF was the devil doing to me?
The final straw came the following winter. After a day of drinking and watching basketball I had worked up a gnarly appetite. Being the kind and forgiving person that I am, I figured that maybe the devil has changed. Maybe the Devil chose to use good meat instead of dried lard. I should have dismissed those notions and run for the hills, but instead I found myself in the devil's dining room again. The burrito that I got was so awful that after taking two bites of it on Damen Avenue, I decided to throw it against a building in pure disgust. It was my perferance to go home drunk and hungry than to eat the devils pitiful excuse for a burrito This is the only ducumented launching or wasting of a burrito by yours truely. Three Strikes and you're out!
Friends, the reason that I tell this sad tale is that I don't want to see anyone have damage inflicted on them by the devil too. The next time we speak, I will have united with the Burrito Phile again and will have a happy story of delicious burritos to share. Hasta Luego.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
EL Taco Veloz Part 2
As part of my master plan, stalking the burritophile, I said to myself "Hey why don't I go to El Taco Veloz?"; What better day to do it than on the epicenter of all burrito eating holidays, Cinco De Mayo.
Twenty minutes later, I was rolling with a small entourage in my Impala destined for the bright lights of El Taco Veloz. Immediately, upon entering, I knew the burrito phile had found a winner the previous night.
The charm of El Taco Veloz is hidden at first, but it catches you, and when it catches you, it catches you hard. I am unsure at exactly what moment I fell in love with this place. It might have been the latin-polish music that comes out of the jukebox unsolicited about every twenty minutes, or the beautiful black garments worn so gracefully by the waitstaff, but no matter what it was, I was in, hook line and sinker.
To add to the enchantment of the eventing, a long time friend and his girlfriend who "just happened" to be at El Taco Veloz joined us (guess I'm not the only one stalking the burrito phile). We were seated and had great conversation until all of a sudden it happened, a burrito day micacle, the burrito phile himself joined us. I don't know where he came from or what happened, but the rest was magic. With Salsa dripping down my chin, I was able to mutter the words "Hello burrito phile"
Lucky for me, the service was not too rapid, and I was really able to spend some time to absorb the delight of this burrito day miracle. In the end, the burrito was above average, about an 8.5, but the experience and evening was a 15!
Twenty minutes later, I was rolling with a small entourage in my Impala destined for the bright lights of El Taco Veloz. Immediately, upon entering, I knew the burrito phile had found a winner the previous night.
The charm of El Taco Veloz is hidden at first, but it catches you, and when it catches you, it catches you hard. I am unsure at exactly what moment I fell in love with this place. It might have been the latin-polish music that comes out of the jukebox unsolicited about every twenty minutes, or the beautiful black garments worn so gracefully by the waitstaff, but no matter what it was, I was in, hook line and sinker.
To add to the enchantment of the eventing, a long time friend and his girlfriend who "just happened" to be at El Taco Veloz joined us (guess I'm not the only one stalking the burrito phile). We were seated and had great conversation until all of a sudden it happened, a burrito day micacle, the burrito phile himself joined us. I don't know where he came from or what happened, but the rest was magic. With Salsa dripping down my chin, I was able to mutter the words "Hello burrito phile"
Lucky for me, the service was not too rapid, and I was really able to spend some time to absorb the delight of this burrito day miracle. In the end, the burrito was above average, about an 8.5, but the experience and evening was a 15!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
El Taco Veloz
Friends,
Last night I ventured into the Ukranian Village neighborhood in Chicago and partook in a Ukranian burrito at a place called El Taco Veloz. You might be asking yourself "Why are Ukranians making burritos?" to which I reply "I don't know but I hope they don't stop." This was a very tasty burrito indeed.
My visit began when a lovely Ukranian waitress named Consuela sat me down and took my order. I've never met a Ukranian person before and didn't realize they shared so many characteristics with Mexican people. They even sound the same. Anyway, I ordered a burrito "al pastor" which, as I've mentioned before, is the name of a Chicago alderman from days gone by.
The burrito came out piping hot and filled with pork, cheese, lettuce, tomato, beans, and onions. I wasn't a huge fan of the onions as they were kind of slimy (I'd have preferred fresh) but it didn't detract all that much from the rest of the experience. The meat was perfectly seasoned and came in large chunks as opposed to the stringy shredded type of meat you get at some burrito houses. I devoured my burrito in quick order....even forgetting to put the hot salsa on it that I had used with my chips. Silly me! All in all I give this burrito an 8.5.
Till next time....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Hola Y'all!
Hello from the great big state of Texas! It is that time of year again - Burrito Appreciation Month! I don't like fanfare much so I will stop with the pleasantries and get right into the business of talking about burritos and burrito related events.......
I was in Texas today and decided to stop by the Dallas Fort Worth Airport to see if I could get a burrito. For some reason, they don't allow people to just pass through security to eat in the food court. You must have a plane ticket in order to eat in the food court. Since I did not have a plane ticket, I was forced to buy one in order to eat. Anyone ever been to Witchita Falls? I hope it's nice.
I found a burrito place called Pappasito's. Some of you may not know this but "burrito" means "little donkey" in English. Also "Judge Ito" means "little Japanese man" in English. So it stands to reason that Pappasito means something like "little Pappas". Maybe former Cub pitcher Milt Pappas' son owns the restaurant? If so, Milt Jr would be interested in my review.
I ate a burrito with chicken and pico de gallo and cheese and black beans and avocado. I can't remember the name of my burrito but it wasn't Tampico that I know for certain. This burrito was just OK.. The tortilla was very tasty and flaky but the innards of the burrito were just so so. A good tortilla can only take you so far you need the innards to complete the effect. Plus the burrito was small for the price. They should have called it a burritoito which means "little burrito" in English. Also, they did not have hot sauce at this restaurant - only mild. This was mildly disappointing. My colon, Ted, was ready and willing to partake in pleasures of the jalapeno. I hope he is as willing to help out this week as he was today. I have many burrito adventures planned!
Until next time....
I was in Texas today and decided to stop by the Dallas Fort Worth Airport to see if I could get a burrito. For some reason, they don't allow people to just pass through security to eat in the food court. You must have a plane ticket in order to eat in the food court. Since I did not have a plane ticket, I was forced to buy one in order to eat. Anyone ever been to Witchita Falls? I hope it's nice.
I found a burrito place called Pappasito's. Some of you may not know this but "burrito" means "little donkey" in English. Also "Judge Ito" means "little Japanese man" in English. So it stands to reason that Pappasito means something like "little Pappas". Maybe former Cub pitcher Milt Pappas' son owns the restaurant? If so, Milt Jr would be interested in my review.
I ate a burrito with chicken and pico de gallo and cheese and black beans and avocado. I can't remember the name of my burrito but it wasn't Tampico that I know for certain. This burrito was just OK.. The tortilla was very tasty and flaky but the innards of the burrito were just so so. A good tortilla can only take you so far you need the innards to complete the effect. Plus the burrito was small for the price. They should have called it a burritoito which means "little burrito" in English. Also, they did not have hot sauce at this restaurant - only mild. This was mildly disappointing. My colon, Ted, was ready and willing to partake in pleasures of the jalapeno. I hope he is as willing to help out this week as he was today. I have many burrito adventures planned!
Until next time....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Only Ten Days Until Burrito Appreciation Month
I can hardly wait. Ted has been doing special exercises and is ready to go. We also attended couples therapy to get past some of our disagreements. I look forward to a terrific month of burrito eating!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
One month to go!
I look forward to blogging about burritos with you all. Only one more month to go. Ted has promised to behave himself but he is quite the scoundrel. We shall see...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Chipotle and Ted the Colon
Friends,
Today's message brings a word of warning; burritos have a dark side. Much like African wild life they are a source of awe and wonder but must be treated with respect or you can get seriously hurt. Such was the case when I visited Chipotle in Wauwatosa, WI yesterday. I enjoyed the burrito tremendously. Chipotle does a great job and even though they are a chain they make a solid burrito. My burrito had grilled chicken, rice, black beans, cheese, sour cream and hot sauce. Fairly benign burrito, yes? No! The hot sauce at Chipotle is actually hot unlike hot sauce at other burrito joints that claim to be hot only to be mildly tingly. This sauce has some kick. My mouth can handle eating the hottest of hot sauces with no problem. Unfortunately, my colon, Ted, sometimes takes umbrage with my burrito eating hobby ( I named my colon after Ted Lange - Isaac from The Love Boat.....its a long story involving Pad Thai and a lido deck). On more than one occasion he has requested I stop eating so much hot sauce. I typically tell Ted to go bother someone else but since he's connected to my GI tract it's sort of hard for him to do that. It'd be like asking a set of rambunctious Siamese twins to go stand in opposite corners during a timeout. Anyway, when Ted objects and I ignore him he tends to act out quite aggressively. He's very patient too. He'll lie in wait for hours upon hours and rise up against me just as I'm about to bring an attractive Filipino girl back to my tastefully decorated condo.
Take yesterday for example. I ate my Chipotle around 4:00pm, met some friends for dinner around 8:00pm and then made my way to the singles bar about 11:00. Just as I was making headway with a girl I knew from a kosher cooking class I took a few months back, Ted reared his ugly head. It was bar time. There was no way I could bring her back to my tastefully decorated condo with Ted in one of his "moods" so I just left and deficated loudly and angrily behind a dumpster. I could hear Ted laughing on the drive home. I'll show him though....tomorrow I plan on eating Indian food.
Today's message brings a word of warning; burritos have a dark side. Much like African wild life they are a source of awe and wonder but must be treated with respect or you can get seriously hurt. Such was the case when I visited Chipotle in Wauwatosa, WI yesterday. I enjoyed the burrito tremendously. Chipotle does a great job and even though they are a chain they make a solid burrito. My burrito had grilled chicken, rice, black beans, cheese, sour cream and hot sauce. Fairly benign burrito, yes? No! The hot sauce at Chipotle is actually hot unlike hot sauce at other burrito joints that claim to be hot only to be mildly tingly. This sauce has some kick. My mouth can handle eating the hottest of hot sauces with no problem. Unfortunately, my colon, Ted, sometimes takes umbrage with my burrito eating hobby ( I named my colon after Ted Lange - Isaac from The Love Boat.....its a long story involving Pad Thai and a lido deck). On more than one occasion he has requested I stop eating so much hot sauce. I typically tell Ted to go bother someone else but since he's connected to my GI tract it's sort of hard for him to do that. It'd be like asking a set of rambunctious Siamese twins to go stand in opposite corners during a timeout. Anyway, when Ted objects and I ignore him he tends to act out quite aggressively. He's very patient too. He'll lie in wait for hours upon hours and rise up against me just as I'm about to bring an attractive Filipino girl back to my tastefully decorated condo.
Take yesterday for example. I ate my Chipotle around 4:00pm, met some friends for dinner around 8:00pm and then made my way to the singles bar about 11:00. Just as I was making headway with a girl I knew from a kosher cooking class I took a few months back, Ted reared his ugly head. It was bar time. There was no way I could bring her back to my tastefully decorated condo with Ted in one of his "moods" so I just left and deficated loudly and angrily behind a dumpster. I could hear Ted laughing on the drive home. I'll show him though....tomorrow I plan on eating Indian food.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)