Chipotle and Ted the Colon

Friends,

Today's message brings a word of warning; burritos have a dark side. Much like African wild life they are a source of awe and wonder but must be treated with respect or you can get seriously hurt. Such was the case when I visited Chipotle in Wauwatosa, WI yesterday. I enjoyed the burrito tremendously. Chipotle does a great job and even though they are a chain they make a solid burrito. My burrito had grilled chicken, rice, black beans, cheese, sour cream and hot sauce. Fairly benign burrito, yes? No! The hot sauce at Chipotle is actually hot unlike hot sauce at other burrito joints that claim to be hot only to be mildly tingly. This sauce has some kick. My mouth can handle eating the hottest of hot sauces with no problem. Unfortunately, my colon, Ted, sometimes takes umbrage with my burrito eating hobby ( I named my colon after Ted Lange - Isaac from The Love Boat.....its a long story involving Pad Thai and a lido deck). On more than one occasion he has requested I stop eating so much hot sauce. I typically tell Ted to go bother someone else but since he's connected to my GI tract it's sort of hard for him to do that. It'd be like asking a set of rambunctious Siamese twins to go stand in opposite corners during a timeout. Anyway, when Ted objects and I ignore him he tends to act out quite aggressively. He's very patient too. He'll lie in wait for hours upon hours and rise up against me just as I'm about to bring an attractive Filipino girl back to my tastefully decorated condo.



Take yesterday for example. I ate my Chipotle around 4:00pm, met some friends for dinner around 8:00pm and then made my way to the singles bar about 11:00. Just as I was making headway with a girl I knew from a kosher cooking class I took a few months back, Ted reared his ugly head. It was bar time. There was no way I could bring her back to my tastefully decorated condo with Ted in one of his "moods" so I just left and deficated loudly and angrily behind a dumpster. I could hear Ted laughing on the drive home. I'll show him though....tomorrow I plan on eating Indian food.

That Little Mexican Cafe

Friends,

Yesterday I ventured to the final burrito stop in the Edgewater neighborhood - That Little Mexican Cafe. I don't have a picture of the actual restuarant so I stole one of a restaurant with the same name in Evanston, IL. I wonder if they are owned by the same people? Probably not.

I sat at the bar to order and watch Holy @$%&*! on Spike TV and was greeted by a blond haired female bartender. I found this curious since most Mexicans are dark capped. Even more curious she spoke with a Polish accent. I didn't realize that there were blond Poles from Mexico. What a learning experience for me!

I must say that the burrito was quite tasty. I went with a grilled chicken burrito. The burrito had the aforementioned grilled chicken, sour cream, lettuce, cheese, and pico de gallo (when I was married and living in Venice Beach, I was a stones throw from Pico de Gallo Avenue.). The meal also came with a side of rice and a side of beans. I must say that these beans were more bean-like and less poo-like than the beans I had at Taqueria Uptown. I'm thinking this means that the beans at Taqueria Uptown really were poo! Good thing I only ate four or five forkfulls. Anyway, the burrito was delicious although a bit pricey. Normally I don't like to spend more than $6 on a burrito but in this economy it makes sense to spend money on things like burritos in order to stimulate commerce. So I bit the bullet and spent $9. It was well worth it. I give this burrito an 8.

Until next time....

Boloco

Today, I enjoyed an excellent burrito at Boloco, a burrito joint in the Boston area. It's a chain, but unfortunately there are not many great burrito options in Boston. Maybe I should move. But until I move, I have Boloco. At least it doesn't serve chips and poo like some places in Chicago...

Boloco's menu features 2 things: Burritos and fruit smoothies. Strange combination. Personally, I do not partake of the smoothies because they are healthy and stupid. The burritos, on the other hand, are quite tasty. They have your typical "classic" burrito with bean, cheese and meat - which I go for. They also have some creative options for the adventurous types, like a buffalo chicken burrito, a thai peanut burrito, etc. These are not really burritos so I don't eat them.

Today's burrito featured pork, black beans, rice, cheese and salsa. The pork was tender and delicious, and overall the burrito was very good. Plus, it has not yet upset my stomach, which is always nice. I rate it a solid 7.

Until next time ....

Taqueria Uptown

Friends of burritos,

Tonight I feasted at Taqueria Uptown which is located in the Edgewater neighborhood of Chicago. You may remember from a previous post that this particular purveyor of burritos is across the street from El Norte. They battle for burrito supremacy on this busy street corner. I imagine that occassionally they dual in back alleys. That'd be cool to see. I was immediately impressed upon entry to Taqueria Uptown at the number of native Mexican people eating in the restaurant. To me this is a sign that this establishment had food reminiscent of their homeland. Of course, maybe all they ate back home was the equivalent of Waffle House so that isn't always the best gauge of food quality. I ordered an Al Pastor burrito. I believe he was the Chicago alderman that popularized burritos back in the 40's. Someone should look that up. The burrito was pretty decent. The cook mixed in onion with the meat while grilling which carmelized them a bit. That made me smile. The meat was just OK though. The other ingrediants were decent although it's hard to mess up lettuce, tomato, sour cream, and cheese. All in all I would give this burrito a 5.5. One interesting thing that this restaurant does is they give you chips and refried bean dip instead of salsa. Probably because Mexicans don't eat salsa as much as we think they do - much like French people probably don't eat french fries all that often. Anyway, the bean dip had the consistency of poo which I didn't like. I don't like eating poo as a general rule and this was pushing the boundaries of a poo-like substance. Now that I think about it, the dip could very well have been poo. I have never eaten poo so I don't know what it tastes like. I may have to bring a sample home and test it in my lab. I bet the health department has some kind of rule against serving poo in restaurants. Someone should look that up.

Until we meet again....

Cinco de Mayo

Fellow Burrito Lovers,
Celebrate! Today is Cinco De Mayo! That means early May in Mexican. I celebrated this joyous holiday with a burrito. I assume all of you did the same. My burrito was from El Jardin on Clark St. in Chicago. There are two El Jarin's on Clark - one on the 3300 block and one on another block. If you were also at El Jardin on the 3300 block then I apologize for my actions. You see it's been a few months since I have had alcohol (Janine forbade it in the house) so it doesn't take much to get me out of my comfort zone. Who knew that pinata would be so flammable? At any rate no one got hurt, the restaurant suffered no permanent damage, and my pants can easily be cut into shorts - just in time for summer!

My burrito tonight was a pork burrito. This is one of those burritos that had cheese on the outside. I believe some places call this a "burrito suizo" - which is Mexican for "little blanket". I enjoyed my burrito but given the fact that I had to eat it with a knife and fork was a bit of a downer. I mean burritos are meant to be eaten with hands and feet not utensils! Any self respecting Mexican would tell you something similar I'm sure. Also, the burrito was only filled with meat. I like meat but I want something more in a burrito. Yes, there was lettuce, tomato, guacamole, and sour cream on the side but these are things that should already be within the confines of the tortilla when I receive it. I will say the pork was rather tender and flavorful. I will also say that there was a table of girls seated not far from me that I would have liked to take back to my tastefully decorated condo to discuss burritos. All in all I would say this burrito was about a 5.5 on a scale of 10 (10 being an awesome burrito and 1 being a stupid burrito). I plan on getting a burrito for lunch tomorrow. I hope it rules big time.

Until then......

My First Burrito of the Month

Today I had a tasty chicken burrito at a chain lunch counter called Soup or Salad. Normally I would be embarrased to blog about eating a burrito from Soup or Salad, but it was my first burrito of this holy month so there we are. S or S is the kind of place with a big salad bar and a counter where you can order all sorts of sandwiches and wraps. (They call the wraps "walkabouts," which is stupid and annoying). The one thing they have that is actually worth eating is the chicken burrito. It comes with spanish rice, black beans, cheese, salsa, and well ... chicken. It's actually not bad.

The problem with these burritos is ... hmm, how do I put this .... let's just say that they have an undesirable effect on my digestive tract, which kicks in about an hour after consumption. It happens every time and I honestly don't know why I keep going back. Not sure which ingredient does the trick either.

So, I guess I really can't recommend the chicken burrito at Soup or Salad. If you decide to get one, be sure to have an accessible restroom nearby.

In the next couple of days I will visit Bolocco, where the burritos are a little more colon-friendy.

El Norte

Friends,

Today, the first day of Burrito Appreciation Month 2009, I sampled the fare at El Norte in Chicago. El Norte on the corner of Broadway and Bryn Mawr in the Edgewater neighborhood which is known for its proximity to other neighborhoods. A quick reminder: this blog is dedicated to burritos, not how good the service is at the place I eat burritos. So as long as the burrito is hot, I won't comment on the disposition of the person that gave it to me. Unless that person is a good looking woman that I might be interested in taking to my tastefully decorated condo. If that does happen this month, I'm hopeful she won't tie me up and rob me like the last three. Anyway, I digress...

I ordered a steak burrito (also known as carne asada which is Mexican for "dead meat". I think Carnie Wilson was named after a carne asada burrito. She is famous for being the ugly member of the musical trio Wilson Phillips). The burrito was filled with steak, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and refried beans. It was pretty good. I prefer a burrito that is lightly grilled once all elements are contained in the tortilla but this one was grilled a little too long. I must admit that the steak was kind of bland. Maybe I order steak burritos too often. I think I should order an al pastor burrito next time to see what that's all about (I believe Al Pastor was a Chicago alderman in the 1940's). The burrito had ample amounts of cheese which is a good thing. Some burrito places skimp on cheese because they are evil. El Norte is not evil - they just make an average burrito. Tomorrow I will go to Uptown Taqueria which is right across the street from El Norte. I wonder if they ever send spies or sabateurs to each other's restaurants? That'd be interesting to know.

Until next time...

Welcome to Burrito Appreciation Month 2009

Friends,

It has been two long years since last I last blogged. I apologize for my absence. 2008 was a bleak year for the Burritophile. But I have returned undaunted to celebrate the almighty burrito with all of you. I want to thank the well wishers who sent me good tidings during my time away. I just want to state for the record that despite what my ex wife says, and a large amount of physical evidence and witness testimony show, I did not kidnap her Pug and sell him to a cosmetics testing lab in Indonesia. I'm confident I will be exonerated of all these false claims. Anyway, enough about my whorish, philandering, soul strangling, ex wife. We have more important things to discuss....namely burritos!

I have heard from some of you that are concerned about swine flu and how you are thinking about cutting back on burrito consumption. This is the worst decision you could make! Burritos are excellent agents against disease. And I'm sure the people that make the burritos haven't been to Mexico recently and haven't been in contact with other native Mexicans recently. They are too busy making burritos. So really there is nothing to worry about. You are more likely to get swine flu at home watching Two and a Half Men reruns than in a burrito joint.

I look forward to hearing from all of you this month. Good luck and good burrito eating to you all!