Holy sh*t yo! The Sun
has eclipsed the moon and the earth has blown into a million f*cking
pieces…that’s right, Cinco De Mayo AND the Kentucky derby are on the same day this
year, May 5, 2012.
The blending of events like this has not happened EVER since
May 2007, and it won’t EVER happen again until May 2018. It’s like Christmas, St.
Patrick’s Day, and the Fourth of July all have been wrapped up into one huge
holiday, and that huge holiday took a ton of steroids. Then, that steroided up holiday took even
more steroids until it was bigger than GOD!
In order to understand the magnitude of this day, there are
a few things that you have to understand about me. First of off, horse racing is my FAVORITE
sport that has non-human participants*,**.
Secondly, Saturday is my favorite day of the weekend. Finally, Cinco De Mayo is my FAVORITE of the
May Mexican holidays…OK, right, now I think you are starting to get it.
With a day of this magnitude, I am beside myself. I don’t know how to pay it its required
homage. Maybe I could eat burritos until
I induce a peyote like trance. Then, in
this trance, I could perform a human sacrifice in my backyard to please the angry
burrito gods. Assuming this isn’t
enough, I could quit my job and join a mariachi band that only plays Kentucky Derby
gigs. That way I could have 364*** days
a year off of work that I could spend in a burrito induced stupor. I know what you’re thinking though, it’s not
enough, it’s never enough, but what could be?
I used to be able to consult the Burritophile on issues like
this, but his off-season training has put him over the top. Rumor has it he has eaten 987 burritos since
Tuesday. In all honesty, he has quit
taking time to breathe and I am afraid to get within a 500 foot radius of his
mouth. Small tornados have been reported
all around the city caused by the whirl of his burrito intake.
I leave my self humbly looking for advice from you, the
followers of the burrito****. What
should I do with this most glorious of days?
* My sincere apologies cock fighting fans
** Jockeys, like horses, are not human either
*** 365 days in leap years like this one
**** If you give me helpful advice, you will be spared and I
promise not to make you the victim of the human sacrifice this Saturday J.
No comments:
Post a Comment