Post Cinco Recap

I’m gonna let you in on an intimate secret, I love Cinco De Mayo.  I feel like we’ve known each other long enough that you should know this, but let’s just keep this one our little secret.  Cinco De Mayo, though, like anything other great thing in this world, has its underlying problems and dark underside.  Just like New Years Eve brings out the pseudo drunks and St. Patty’s Day brings out the pseudo Irish, Cinco De Mayo Brings out the Pseudo Burrito Appreciators.

In addition to the underside of Cinco De Mayo, this Cinco proved to be especially challenging.  I had no idea of how I would live up to the greatness expected from me with the Derby being on the same day.  Surely, I could only inflict self harm trying to live up to the expectations set forth.  For inspiration, it tried to look back at my life to other times when I faced insurmountable odds and possible physical injury. 

When I was 9 years old, my pee-wee football team was slated to play against Joey Vottabuccho.  Joey was a rabid little fifth grader who weighed 160 pounds and had a full beard; he was sure to inflict physical injury on anyone who got in his way.  I wanted no part of this action and decided to feign sickness the morning of that game so I wouldn’t have to play.  My grandfather could see through my rouse, though, and said words that would stick with me for the rest of my life.  He said “You can stay home and sit this one out like a little wussy, OR…”.  Quite honestly, I have no idea what he said after “or” because his first piece of this statement, “stay home and sit this one out”, was spot on.  These words were wise beyond even his years and are the reason I made it through pee-wee football in one piece.  I wish I could say the same for little Timmy Cunningham who took my place on the field that day, god rest his soul.

My best approach to this Cinco was to” stay home and sit this one out”.  No need to deal with the riff raff of the pseudo burrito appreciators, or to face physical harm to which I was sure to expose myself to.  If I was going to be a wussy, though, I didn’t want to do it alone.  I figured that it would be a good idea to invite fifty of my closest friends over to be wussies with me.  The only problem with this approach is that I would need something to lure them over.  Seeing as most of my friends are alcoholics, I figured that booze would be the answer.  If I was going to get booze, I should probably make margaritas and stock up with Mexican beer because these are the tastiest.  Now the only problem was that my friends have a ridiculously short attention span.  Maybe if I set up my back yard with games like bags and ladder ball, I could keep their attention.  For the ones that are completely A.D.D. though, maybe I would have to get something simpler, like a children’s piñata stuffed with candy, to keep them occupied.  Now that I had their attention, I wouldn’t want them to leave because they were hungry.  I decided to provide chips, salsa, poppers, and taco meat because this is what I know best.  Finally, just like any group of people abstaining from a certain activity, I would have to provide some protest music.  I figured my newly purchased Ranchero stylings of Vincente Fernandez would be perfect.

This was possibly my best idea ever!  I could sit out this year’s Cinco De Mayo celebration by having about 50 people over and offering Mexican Beer, margaritas, taco meat, chips, salsa, games, and a  piñata, all while listening to Ranchero music.    Who said there wasn’t an alternative to Cinco De Mayo?  If not celebrating Cinco De Mayo could be this much fun, maybe I won’t celebrate Cinco just like this every year.  Genius, I know, and it all worked!  Now I just need to find a way to not celebrate other holidays.