I'm Back

Fear not! I am alive and well and ready for Burrito Appreciation Month!

Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV, I decided to seclude myself in the far reaches of the world to prepare myself for this year's celebration. Let me bring you up to speed....

Rocky Balboa eats burritos too.

The last few Burrito Appreciation Months (BAM), I have come of the gates fast consuming burritos at a rate not seen by human eyes since the Great Burrito Binge of 1903. I ate steak, I ate pork, I ate bean....I ate them all each and every day. I thought "I can keep this up all month long!" But no mortal can do such things while running on the daily regimen I partook in leading up to BAM. I wasn't exercising. I was smoking my hookah daily. I was drinking enough Peach Coolies to make you blush. How in the world does that prepare one for a month of burrito eating? Let me tell you...it doesn't!

So this year I decided to change my routine to be able to withstand the month long rigors that accompany eating burritos day in and day out for a month.

First off, I had a heart to heart with Ted, my colon. He is as persnickety as ever! But like a bitter elderly couple that is too tired and/or lazy to find another mate for coitus,  he and I realized that neither of us is going anywhere.  So decided to compromise. 11 months of the year, I will feast on "Ted friendly" cuisine - cous cous, hummus, endives, and green pepper. This seems like a fairly limited diet, but the flip side is that in May I can have as many burritos as I want! I think I came out ahead on this deal (psst! Don't tell Ted! That little rapscallion might welch!).

Once Ted and I had things sorted out, I needed to begin a training program that called for my metabolism to be at it's peak during the month of May. So I hired a personal trainer named Toots McGaffigan. Toots is a former champion female alligator wrestler (by that I mean, Toots is a female not that she was wrestling female alligators. That would be mean.) and well schooled in how to optimize one's resting metabolic rate. Twelve months she pushed me. She pushed me harder than I have ever been pushed.  I did pushups, push downs, push asides. I squatted, I pressed, I hung, I curled, I cleaned, and I jerked (all in that order....that was a very important part of the training program). And now I am in the best shape of my life.

I am strong physically, but more importantly I am strong mentally! I read the works of the great Yogies in Tibet, Nepal, Indonesia, and Jellystone. I became one with the universe. I tapped into my inner Ch'i. I followed the path to eternal bliss. I made amends with my animal spirit and I discovered the meaning of life. Jealous? You should be. The meaning of life is pretty cool.

All of this has prepared me for tomorrow...Day 1 of Burrito Appreciation Month 2012.

Namaste,
Burritophile